monday i updated my status:
it's been 6 years today...
Always in my thoughts
Forever in my heart;
U may not be with us now..
But we'll never be apart
RIP auntie Becky xxxx
You see my auntie becky was murdered. in her own home, dying in her youngest son's arms ;( by who u ask? her own hubby - my 'uncle' steven. he has spent the last 6 years in HMP serving 13.5 years for what he did.
Earlier tonight i went up dads with Dai - shamed. showed photos of me as a baby, looked almost identical to my sis as a baby - shamed!! was funny n nice to see pics of me when i was younger n even better seeing pics of my grandad :) miss him so much. He been gone 8.5 years almost, but it still hurts you know...
Got psych review on thursday, Dai too. Then i have hosp appt down our hospital for Neurology re: my fits. Hoping for some answers n to be started on the right meds to keep the fits at bay. 27th next month i have resp physio n cons as well.
Off to london on friday :D can't wait. it will be a nice break from everything, you know. Only going for the weekend, but i defo need it, need to see outside these 4 walls for a bit. I know i will miss my hubby, that's only natural. Miss him when i end up admitted coz of my asthma, n sometimes thats only few hours, or even overnight! Love him so much it's unreal
update u all next week on how my weekend goes. Give my lungs a good talking too - they need to behave when in london as dont wanna be admitted whilst am supposed to be on 'holiday' n with the weather only getting hotter, it will be a struggle, i admit that.
xxxxx
Tuesday 9 July 2013
Saturday 6 July 2013
sun!
Talk bout a heatwave!! 24-25 degrees sounds lush dont it :)
spent the afternoon down the beach for the annual Beachfest with the hubby. Everywhere was packed, children shouting having fun, dogs roaming everywhere n people, people, people!! ARGH! That a mega downside. Felt like i was claustrophobic of sorts, n suffocating coz of people left, right n centre of me. Walked along the prom, closely holding onto Dai's hand, soaking up the sun ate sausage baps with fried onions n bottle of coke (£8 for the lot n totally against my health eating i know, but hey ho ini ;) was a fab afternoon spent with the hubby, with the only downside being the high pollen count :| cue nose running n stinging eyes but hey - was fab :)
Came home by bus after a long wait for it. Got changed only to notice i have sunburnt boobs, shoulders n back :( hope its not too sore for me to sleep tonight. it's already gonna be a challenge to sleep in this heat :|
Wonder what we up to tomorrow, hmmm.....
spent the afternoon down the beach for the annual Beachfest with the hubby. Everywhere was packed, children shouting having fun, dogs roaming everywhere n people, people, people!! ARGH! That a mega downside. Felt like i was claustrophobic of sorts, n suffocating coz of people left, right n centre of me. Walked along the prom, closely holding onto Dai's hand, soaking up the sun ate sausage baps with fried onions n bottle of coke (£8 for the lot n totally against my health eating i know, but hey ho ini ;) was a fab afternoon spent with the hubby, with the only downside being the high pollen count :| cue nose running n stinging eyes but hey - was fab :)
Came home by bus after a long wait for it. Got changed only to notice i have sunburnt boobs, shoulders n back :( hope its not too sore for me to sleep tonight. it's already gonna be a challenge to sleep in this heat :|
Wonder what we up to tomorrow, hmmm.....
Tuesday 2 July 2013
what if?
Dont know how many of u on facebook read my blogs, doesn't really matter to me. i just write these blogs to say what is on my mind n help me deal with my daily struggles if, and when, they occur. Thank you to those who do, so here goes...
Today i would have been 12 weeks if i still carried my angel baby... time to relax a little as gotten through first trimester, time for scan n hearing the heartbeat... instead i feel empty, numb. Hearing happy girls on the bus talking bout the good things bout being pregnant, fearing the birth, when their due date is etc, seeing happy health babies on the bus n in town, kills me. Why cant i still have my angel bean? what bout my previous angel baby i lost 21/12/12 - due date 15/7/13 ;( Part of life, i guess. My time will come i know that, just seems a long way off right now u know....
Well, wen i saw the obs n gynae consultant, she had said that all my bloodwork n anatomy was fine. Couldn't explain my recurrent miscarriages, except an issue with me being overweight n was confident i will carry to term next time IF i lost the weight. Had my weight checked today. taking orlistat slimming tabs from doc, which u take 3/day combined with a low fat intake. Lost 5kg (11lb ish) in the last 2 weeks - since weighed in boots :) happy bunnie! heading in the right direction...
Physically, i have finally gotten rid of my chest infection, though still odd cough but hey ho. managed to drop from 30-25mg daily pred for a week, before dropping to 22.5mg for 2 weeks then 20mg for 4 weeks... Luckily, i have got the 'fit' doctor next thursday, as i had yet another fit last night (first in 4 weeks) where i became incontinent n bit inside of cheek, though i dont remember doing it.. Hopefully they will have answers for me n put me on the right meds to keep me in check, here's hoping anyways...
Mentally - seen my cpn on friday, which i wrote about previously, n haven't gotta see her unless i feel i need to. she said whenever i feel down etc, to give her a ring or text to talk to her, but talk to Dai too, which i do if i need to. she is pleased with me - kinda - n happy for me that the haloperidol is working n hardly had any voices since taking it :)
Today i would have been 12 weeks if i still carried my angel baby... time to relax a little as gotten through first trimester, time for scan n hearing the heartbeat... instead i feel empty, numb. Hearing happy girls on the bus talking bout the good things bout being pregnant, fearing the birth, when their due date is etc, seeing happy health babies on the bus n in town, kills me. Why cant i still have my angel bean? what bout my previous angel baby i lost 21/12/12 - due date 15/7/13 ;( Part of life, i guess. My time will come i know that, just seems a long way off right now u know....
Well, wen i saw the obs n gynae consultant, she had said that all my bloodwork n anatomy was fine. Couldn't explain my recurrent miscarriages, except an issue with me being overweight n was confident i will carry to term next time IF i lost the weight. Had my weight checked today. taking orlistat slimming tabs from doc, which u take 3/day combined with a low fat intake. Lost 5kg (11lb ish) in the last 2 weeks - since weighed in boots :) happy bunnie! heading in the right direction...
Physically, i have finally gotten rid of my chest infection, though still odd cough but hey ho. managed to drop from 30-25mg daily pred for a week, before dropping to 22.5mg for 2 weeks then 20mg for 4 weeks... Luckily, i have got the 'fit' doctor next thursday, as i had yet another fit last night (first in 4 weeks) where i became incontinent n bit inside of cheek, though i dont remember doing it.. Hopefully they will have answers for me n put me on the right meds to keep me in check, here's hoping anyways...
Mentally - seen my cpn on friday, which i wrote about previously, n haven't gotta see her unless i feel i need to. she said whenever i feel down etc, to give her a ring or text to talk to her, but talk to Dai too, which i do if i need to. she is pleased with me - kinda - n happy for me that the haloperidol is working n hardly had any voices since taking it :)
Monday 1 July 2013
thoughts
What a week...
Course going well n its the last week this week, then i start my other course - Stress Control - on friday the 5th july.
Healthwise, no fits for over 4 weeks, but ended up in costa last mon - tues pm coz of blooming lungs!! grrr was so glad to get back home to see Dai n have cwtches :)
but... weds had rebound attack but luckily only few hours spent in A + E this time! came home to find Dai cooking for us :) still coughing wee bit coz of bloody infection again though finished my antibiotics :)
Got GP tomorrow morning to reweigh me coz of the wt loss tabs she gimmee to take combined with eating low fat food 3/day. last weight check had lost 6.5lb - 2 weeks ago :D
Got neuro cons 11/7/13 bout the fits
Psych wise? dunno where to start :( had a really bad few days last week coz of anniversaries of diff things n what i have been through recently :( thinking bout my miscarriage mostly - 17 days ago now ;( n saturday was another anniversary - 2 years since i had a cardiac arrest, i was dead for 2 mins in the ambulance, in front of my sister. Dont wish anything like that on anyone. Between that, being intubated, various miscarriages n some other things that have happened which i would rather not talk bout, the psychologist says i have PTSD, along with severe clinical depression, schizophrenia n self harming. although, tomorrow be 9 months since i last cut or burnt myself (oct 2. 2012). Spent 2 weeks in Cefn Coed n Ward F at local hosp in july last year, was fucking hard, but i had to do it. So glad i had dai to help me through things :)
seen my CPN fri for a catch up n she gonna chase up day services for me to see what other courses i can do to keep busy. Also she says to ring or text her anytime i am feeling really down or wanna chat but talk to Dai as well. said it works 2 ways between me n Dai: i speak to him, he speaks to me when feeling the same. I can just go to meet up with her whenever needed :)
its just sometimes things get toooooooo much, u know especially lately :(
Course going well n its the last week this week, then i start my other course - Stress Control - on friday the 5th july.
Healthwise, no fits for over 4 weeks, but ended up in costa last mon - tues pm coz of blooming lungs!! grrr was so glad to get back home to see Dai n have cwtches :)
but... weds had rebound attack but luckily only few hours spent in A + E this time! came home to find Dai cooking for us :) still coughing wee bit coz of bloody infection again though finished my antibiotics :)
Got GP tomorrow morning to reweigh me coz of the wt loss tabs she gimmee to take combined with eating low fat food 3/day. last weight check had lost 6.5lb - 2 weeks ago :D
Got neuro cons 11/7/13 bout the fits
Psych wise? dunno where to start :( had a really bad few days last week coz of anniversaries of diff things n what i have been through recently :( thinking bout my miscarriage mostly - 17 days ago now ;( n saturday was another anniversary - 2 years since i had a cardiac arrest, i was dead for 2 mins in the ambulance, in front of my sister. Dont wish anything like that on anyone. Between that, being intubated, various miscarriages n some other things that have happened which i would rather not talk bout, the psychologist says i have PTSD, along with severe clinical depression, schizophrenia n self harming. although, tomorrow be 9 months since i last cut or burnt myself (oct 2. 2012). Spent 2 weeks in Cefn Coed n Ward F at local hosp in july last year, was fucking hard, but i had to do it. So glad i had dai to help me through things :)
seen my CPN fri for a catch up n she gonna chase up day services for me to see what other courses i can do to keep busy. Also she says to ring or text her anytime i am feeling really down or wanna chat but talk to Dai as well. said it works 2 ways between me n Dai: i speak to him, he speaks to me when feeling the same. I can just go to meet up with her whenever needed :)
its just sometimes things get toooooooo much, u know especially lately :(
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