taken for a mug, but good things too :)

well where to start. start with the positives i think!
1. wooden flooring completed and wardrobes up :) feels like home now. even bought a rug for in front of fireplace ;)
2. had a letter from DWP yesterday. been granted PIP - finally had decision after applying in march! got standard care and advanced mobility from 3/12/14 for 3 years. my DLA will continue till then, AND its more money ;)
3. had my liver USS on weds. found out the problem ... fatty liver caused by diabetes and probably my weight as well as medication from when i OD'd :'( gotta wait till see cons in dec to start treatment
4.  went to therapy yesterday. went okay. going to start EMDR therapy as well now coz she says its the way forward to talk thru the traumas ....

and now ... seems like i have been made a fool out of. feel like a right mug. u remember i said bout Tara? and her so called friend 'louise smith'. well katie hemmings (brittle asthma group) and myself have had concerns, ie. things dont add up right with diff things 'louise' been saying.
here is the message i sent to admin tanya greaves and sara campbell:

yes

hi tanya. thanks. both myself and katie hemmings are worried and concerned about Tara Jenkins. all isnt what it seems. 'louise' has been in touch with us both n we have been updating. however, few things dont add up so we thinking that she isnt who she says etc. firstly, she provided me with her mobile number, yet being in spain it shud b charging me as she is supposedly abroad, however it hasnt charged me (i get unlimited free texts with my contract) leading me to believe that 'they' are not in spain at all. according to 'lou' she has both an NGT and IV as cannot tolerate anything by mouth as vomiting - surely the NGT feed wud have same effect?? when asked by both myself and katie, she wud not say where in spain they are and what hospital, if any. both myself and katie hemmings have had a lot to do deal with recently ourselves and i have mental health problems which are worse because of the stress and worry of the 'tara' situation and for past week or so, 'louise' continues to contact myself and katie, even when we are saying we are not well, or we are busy etc. the other weekend i was watching x factor. she told me that she had hear Andrea faustini sing - how?? also she knew what contestants were thru, sent home, again how??
i also asked 'louise' if i cud post something on Tara's wall to explain what had happened and how she was etc - but 'louise' said no as noone cared other than myself, katie and the brittle group
katie hemmings has said u can contact her for more information. we dont know what to do. i am deleting my thread that i started in the group on 'tara's update'
sorry but we just dunno what to do. i am becoming unwell and katie doesnt need the hassle after almost losing her daughter bex last week

let u know what happens. but for now i have been igrnoring louise's texts and mesages and have blocked 'louise smith' on my facebook. i dont need this. 

meh ...

well today mark's 4 years since i was last raped :'( as u know, i have been raped twice (2001 and 2010) i have been having awful horrid nightmares n flashbacks n sleep awful. i am in therapy and having CBT every 2 weeks, next one is tuesday - i wont know where to start!! last session the therapist gimme a pebble, i use this pebble to hold and rub n keep hold off to bring myself 'back to reality' and ground myself when scared, anxious, upset etc. i think it helps, weirdly ... had a bad night sleep last night for obvious reasons - even tho i have diazepam, i didnt wanna rely on it. woke up bout 3am with mega heartburn n coughing/wheezy and vomited everywhere in bathroom! oops :(

i updated my status on fb today ... saying happy birthday to my great aunt flo who wud have been 98 today!! as well as my uncle colin who passed away feb 13th of this year with liver failure :'( he wud have been 52 today, year older than my mum. the 'firsts' are always the hardest arent they - 1st birthday, 1st xmas, 1st anniversary without a deceased loved one :( i havent spoken to his daughter (one of 2 daughters, as well as having 2 sons) since he passed away n given where she lives, she did not attend the funeral either :( she insists i did wrong in telling her disabled sister that their dad had passed away, coz she had told her that he had gone abroad to work. she had a right to know tho, he WAS her FATHER!! oh well ...

chest not been too bad today :) just during early hours of this morning. since then just needed inh as well as having my usual regular QDS salbutamol nebs n TDS atrovent nebs ... start all my meds changes tomorrow so it be day 1 on 18mg - lowest dose in 4 years!! eek. fingers crossed .... i think i need the extra meds n new changes to start ASAP, just hope it all makes a difference so i can last longer than a few weeks outta costa!
got my USS liver wednesday morning :S

 finally finished xmas shopping, hubby has too! omg our spare room looks like santa's grotto!! lol. my niece, who is 5 in december, is well into this Disney Frozen thing - never seen it myself - so almost everything i have bought her has been Frozen! fed up of seeing it now! also, had lots of craft stuff for my step daughter who is 6. she also got other things but loves to design n make things so craft things are ideal for her :) i bought them, well most of them, so hubby wrapping them all .. obviously not what i have bought him lol ;) we have had our Park Hampers vouchers back - to spend alllll on ourselves :) still got some left so retail therapy is in order tomorrow - all for ME!!

Tara needed the op last night to repair the ASD/VSD she had. BUT doctors didnt repair it completely. therefore she crashed again and got taken back to theatre this pm. Tara is now out of theatre. sadly she crashed twice on the operating table and surgeons/dr found another tiny hole. BUT both holes have been repaired and she is stable but critical. now starts her long road to recovery. no talk of vent weaning as yet as she needs to recover from the op first ...

busy week this week ... retail therapy tomorrow, therapy tues, USS liver on weds, bloods thursday!! oh n the best night of the week, highlight of my week - BINGO night on tuesday with mum, aunt, aunt, mums friend and my friend - who is also hubby's cousin :) cant wait. it's the only socialising i have lol. not 30 till feb but damn i feel old!hopefully i should have decision bout my PIP soon, this week i hope. i sent it to them in march, had my medical at home in early sept so shouldnt be much longer. though thankfully i have been getting DLA whilst waiting, i am still in limbo ...

been watching the manchester derby today :) although not impressed :( man utd lost 1-0 n were down to 10 men :'( watched it while we had nice pork dinner for lunch, both me n hubby cooked it together. then watched aston villa v spurs on mute (1-2) as watching last night's casualty online on BBC iPlayer ;) watched bradley walsh's new quiz on ITV1 tonight! it started last week 'keep it in the family' it is really good! now for the best programme of the night - X FACTOR: RESULTS!! one went last night - Jack - mel b's act. he sung bleeding love by leona lewis and was abismal!! i loved stevie ritchie singing last night - my fave musical :) BUT he seriosuly needs to go! he is awful lol

speak soon :) stay safe all xxx

new start .. again

well... what has happened since march of this year ...
1. on august 13th, we moved from that horrid 2 bed house to a 2 bed council flat closer to my family. the place has no stairs and a walk in shower n handrail ;) perfect for me. i love the place. it's lovely and quiet. had free paint from council too ;) budgeting loan paid for flooring, which is finally being done tomorrow by hubby's uncle
2. oct 2nd i had to unfortunately put down our jack russell Chorkie :'( hardest decision we have made, but at leat there's no more suffering, no more pain etc..
3. from a psych point of view, my antidepressants caused my heart probs - prolonged QT syndrome - so were changed. anti psychotics remain the same. still having counselling and in close contact with my CPN. started therapy and CBT and i go every 2 weeks .. i think it's helping, BUT tomorrow is my dead great aunts birthday, my deceased uncle's birthday, marks 1 month since we had to put down Chorkie our jack russell and marks 4 years since i was last raped :'( the nightmares and flashbacks are horrid. needing diazepam and my sleep is all over the place. been so down last week or so, between the psych probs, asthma n arthritis acting up and a friend fighting for her life in a foreign country .... update u when i can but she is very poorly in ITU needing a heart op to correct either an ASD or a VSD (unsure which) but she too unstable at present :'(
4. as u all know i have had multiple miscarriages and previously mentioned, i lost skye on jan 13th this year, well may 30th the hospital gimme a scan and confirmed i had miscarried yet again :'( taylor shae was gone at 12w 5d - furthest i have carried. FINALLY seen gynae in sept and swabs, bloods and internal scan done. all NORMAL so i am no further at knowing what is behind them all, nothing wrong found. will i ever be a mum?? why me?? why us?? i need answers but noone can give them to me :'(
5. diabetes - still on metformin 500mg tds. damn side effect of evil pred. but sugars seem to be well controlled except when unwell though. diabetes nurse happy with me. seen cardiologist regarding 'fits' and fainting episodes, says its cough syncope so nothing terrible wrong, thankfully n haven't had a 'fit' for bout 3 months :D
6. ITU admission again april/may - needed usual iv stuff as well as iv insulin and iv phosphate - never needed them before :( was in for 7 days. the care was fab. really impressed by the hospital as well as the team of doctors that helped. not forgetting the nurses of course ;) needed few admissions since then - no change there! - but no further ITU admissions as yet (touch wood!) got a new asthma cons whom i seen 26/9 she is awesome. however only this week my GP had the clinic letter! oh well, it was worth the weight. she says i am a steroid dependant brittle asthmatic both type 1 and 2. she has done baseline bloods and allergy bloods as well as ordered repeat lung function tests as my last one was 2011 showing only 47% predicted - eek! best PF 500 bout a year ago, but cant remember when PF was last above 400 if i am honest :( LFT was slightly abnormal so having USS liver next weds. she thinks it maybe due to my psych history of overdosing quite a lot previously. i take pain relief for my arthritis (as well as use a crutch) which kinda helps, but only take meds if i REALLY need to. the plan now is to have lansoprazole back to 60mg BD, gaviscon QDS, symbicort 400/12 2 puffs TDS instead of BD and to increase phyllocontin to 675mg from 450mg as last level in sept was only 4.8 from 3.3 in march. we plan to reduce pred by 1mg every 4 weeks till i see her again in clinic in december, starting on 18mg from this week. at next aoot cons will commence Spiriva and magnesium too :) very pleased with the plan :)
started up 2 asthma groups too - 'severe/brittle asthma support group' and 'asthma help!' one of the questions asked on there was 'if u cud have anything to cure asthma, what wud it be?' well i could honestly say if it were possible to be cured by love and support of friends then i wudnt have a care in the world :D so thank u all xxx
7. i have found even more friends from being in support groups n chatting on FB :) oh n my niece has started horse riding lessons, she's a pro already - only had 3 lessons so far, but is fine on her own, doesnt need leading. very proud of her. finished xmas shopping :) been watching halloween night on x factor. not impressed by many - prob bout 2 if lucky. stevi ritchie was crap usually, but tonight, WOW!! andrea to win tho i think ....

anyways, i'm off to take bedtime meds n try sleep. just want tomorrow over with :'(

finally, an update for ya all :)

didnt realise it had been so long since updating my blog - 7 months!! oops!!

we moved back in august last year. 2 bedroom house with garden. but having major problems with stairs so we on council list for bottom floor flat. been unsuccessful 2 months in a row so i guess it will be 3rd time lucky- i hope!
 
well still going back n forth to costa with chest, but given the type of asthma i have its only to be expected.. 3 times in a week :( they really taken the stuffing outta me. doing much better tho still wheezy...

to add to my problems i am now type 2 diabetic coz of the prednisolone. my maintenance is 20mg but given the fact have been admitted 3 times this week am currently taking 40mg till next weekend n needing metformin to control my blood sugars. but on a good note, they weighed me in costa - lost 7.8kg (17.1lb) since jan 10th :D :D :D lord knows how i did it  mind u, especially being on pred!

had psych review this week. seeing my cpn weekly as well as having weekly grief counselling. i had yet another miscarriage at 7 weeks 13/1 then my uncle passed away of liver disease 13/2 :( now i find out that close family friend passed away 14/3, whats next i begin to wonder. had appointment with welfare rights last week n filled out PIP form - the new DLA for over 16s. its 40 pages long!! they wanna know everything dont they?! the decision tho, will take up to 6 months but i will continue to get my DLA till a decision on PIP is made. CPN did a supporting letter for it n i learned that i have a personality disorder as well as my PTSD, depression, schizophrenia and self harming tendencies. tho i can happily report no self harming episodes for a while now :) joined few support groups on facebook regarding my mental health which i feel helps me n i too can help others.

trying to learn new things n do courses seeing as i cant go back nursing. CVS are helping me do a stress management course as well as confidence building course n my key worker finding out bout counselling n psychology courses for me. i aint well enough to go back to work both physically or mentally :(
hugs to all xxx

update

monday i updated my status:
it's been 6 years today...

Always in my thoughts
Forever in my heart;
U may not be with us now..
But we'll never be apart

RIP auntie Becky xxxx

You see my auntie becky was murdered. in her own home, dying in her youngest son's arms ;( by who u ask? her own hubby - my 'uncle' steven. he has spent the last 6 years in HMP serving 13.5 years for what he did.

Earlier tonight i went up dads with Dai - shamed. showed photos of me as a baby, looked almost identical to my sis as a baby - shamed!! was funny n nice to see pics of me when i was younger n even better seeing pics of my grandad :) miss him so much. He been gone 8.5 years almost, but it still hurts you know...

Got psych review on thursday, Dai too. Then i have hosp appt down our hospital for Neurology re: my fits. Hoping for some answers n to be started on the right meds to keep the fits at bay. 27th next month i have resp physio n cons as well.

Off to london on friday :D can't wait. it will be a nice break from everything, you know. Only going for the weekend, but i defo need it, need to see outside these 4 walls for a bit. I know i will miss my hubby, that's only natural. Miss him when i end up admitted coz of my asthma, n sometimes thats only few hours, or even overnight! Love him so much it's unreal

update u all next week on how my weekend goes. Give my lungs a good talking too - they need to behave when in london as dont wanna be admitted whilst am supposed to be on 'holiday' n with the weather only getting hotter, it will be a struggle, i admit that.

xxxxx

sun!

Talk bout a heatwave!! 24-25 degrees sounds lush dont it :)
spent the afternoon down the beach for the annual Beachfest with the hubby. Everywhere was packed, children shouting having fun, dogs roaming everywhere n people, people, people!! ARGH! That a mega downside. Felt like i was claustrophobic of sorts, n suffocating coz of people left, right n centre of me. Walked along the prom, closely holding onto Dai's hand, soaking up the sun ate sausage baps with fried onions n bottle of coke (£8 for the lot n totally against my health eating i know, but hey ho ini ;) was a fab afternoon spent with the hubby, with the only downside being the high pollen count :| cue nose running n stinging eyes but hey - was fab :)
Came home by bus after a long wait for it. Got changed only to notice i have sunburnt boobs, shoulders n back :( hope its not too sore for me to sleep tonight. it's already gonna be a challenge to sleep in this heat :|
Wonder what we up to tomorrow, hmmm.....

what if?

Dont know how many of u on facebook read my blogs, doesn't really matter to me. i just write these blogs to say what is on my mind n help me deal with my daily struggles if, and when, they occur. Thank you to those who do, so here goes...

Today i would have been 12 weeks if i still carried my angel baby... time to relax a little as gotten through first trimester, time for scan n hearing the heartbeat... instead i feel empty, numb. Hearing happy girls on the bus talking bout the good things bout being pregnant, fearing the birth, when their due date is etc, seeing happy health babies on the bus n in town, kills me. Why cant i still have my angel bean? what bout my previous angel baby i lost 21/12/12 - due date 15/7/13 ;( Part of life, i guess. My time will come i know that, just seems a long way off right now u know....

Well, wen i saw the obs n gynae consultant, she had said that all my bloodwork n anatomy was fine. Couldn't explain my recurrent miscarriages, except an issue with me being overweight n was confident i will carry to term next time IF i lost the weight. Had my weight checked today. taking orlistat slimming tabs from doc, which u take 3/day combined with a low fat intake. Lost 5kg (11lb ish) in the last 2 weeks - since weighed in boots :) happy bunnie! heading in the right direction...

Physically, i have finally gotten rid of my chest infection, though still odd cough but hey ho. managed to drop from 30-25mg daily pred for a week, before dropping to 22.5mg for 2 weeks then 20mg for 4 weeks... Luckily, i have got the 'fit' doctor next thursday, as i had yet another fit last night (first in 4 weeks) where i became incontinent n bit inside of cheek, though i dont remember doing it.. Hopefully they will have answers for me n put me on the right meds to keep me in check, here's hoping anyways...

Mentally - seen my cpn on friday, which i wrote about previously, n haven't gotta see her unless i feel i need to. she said whenever i feel down etc, to give her a ring or text to talk to her, but talk to Dai too, which i do if i need to. she is pleased with me - kinda - n happy for me that the haloperidol is working n hardly had any voices since taking it :)

thoughts

What a week...

Course going well n its the last week this week, then i start my other course - Stress Control - on friday the 5th july.
Healthwise, no fits for over 4 weeks, but ended up in costa last mon - tues pm coz of blooming lungs!! grrr was so glad to get back home to see Dai n have cwtches :)
but... weds had rebound attack but luckily only few hours spent in A + E this time! came home to find Dai cooking for us :) still coughing wee bit coz of bloody infection again though finished my antibiotics :)
Got GP tomorrow morning to reweigh me coz of the wt loss tabs she gimmee to take combined with eating low fat food 3/day. last weight check had lost 6.5lb - 2 weeks ago :D
Got neuro cons 11/7/13 bout the fits

Psych wise? dunno where to start :( had a really bad few days last week coz of anniversaries of diff things n what i have been through recently :( thinking bout my miscarriage mostly - 17 days ago now ;( n saturday was another anniversary - 2 years since i had a cardiac arrest, i was dead for 2 mins in the ambulance, in front of my sister. Dont wish anything like that on anyone. Between that, being intubated, various miscarriages n some other things that have happened which i would rather not talk bout, the psychologist says i have PTSD, along with severe clinical depression, schizophrenia n self harming. although, tomorrow be 9 months since i last cut or burnt myself (oct 2. 2012). Spent 2 weeks in Cefn Coed n Ward F at local hosp in july last year, was fucking hard, but i had to do it. So glad i had dai to help me through things :)
seen my CPN fri for a catch up n she gonna chase up day services for me to see what other courses i can do to keep busy. Also she says to ring or text her anytime i am feeling really down or wanna chat but talk to Dai as well. said it works 2 ways between me n Dai: i speak to him, he speaks to me when feeling the same. I can just go to meet up with her whenever needed :)
its just sometimes things get toooooooo much, u know especially lately :(

nice times for a change!

After having awful night on weds night coz of grumpy airbags, thursday was a busy day; dai needing blood done, then having my tattoo to remember my angelbabies by,

then had to go on my course week 4, which i actually enjoyed this time! i have 2 weeks left before i finish and gain a NVQ Management of Longterm Conditions :)
Friday my parents and nan were going for a meal in the newly opened Copper Penny, so me n hubby joined them, to help take my mind off things. was 6 months to the day that we buried my Aunty n i miscarried my previous baby at 10 weeks 6 days - the furthest i had carried, n also was a week since i miscarried this baby at 9 weeks 3 days. We had a 3 course meal n it was lovely, though a bit pricey. Nan got drunk hehe
Went down to visit dai's uncle n aunt yesterday, was a nice catch up :)
All throughout the last few days, the voices reamined silent, but still feeling low n chest okayish now, just coughing a bit more than usual.. heading for another attack and/or infection i think :| fingers crossed though, hey?!
Got hospital appt tomorrow morning to see bout these fits i been having, then got my CPN on tuesday morning, keep u posted
chow for now ;) xxx


 then had to go to week 4 of my course.
The course went well and i actually enjoyed it for a change?! only 2 weeks of it left n i g

another attack

Weds night 11.30pm:
chest wheezy n tight n coughing up half a lung. bloody asthma attack. took 10 puffs inh n 2 atrovent - no effect. waited 10 mins then nebbed salb x 2 and 1 x atrovent nebs. worked for a bit but boy had i forgotten what an attack feels like - tiring, smoothering, suffocating... kept doing inh x 10 puff every half hour till 1.30am when my chest finally eased enough for me to sleep, but so i didnt keep Dai awake i slept out in the living room - much cooler too ;)

woke again for inh at 5 n then AGAIN at 7 then up at 9.30am - busy day ahead :/ dai needed to have his monthly bloods done for his meds, then back for hr kip before going for my new tattoo then my Health n Wellbeing course. phew!! i managed with lots inh but God knows how?! now a migraine - ffs!!

Came back home by 5.30 for food n chillout watching TV, felling really down n sorry for myself. Week ago yesterday i had booked in with my midwife n had a scan - what a difference a week makes?? Week ago today they confirmed i was mummy to another angel baby ;( making it 9 angel babies now. Had a tattoo on my right shoulder to remember the babies i had lost - baby pink bow with baby blue footprints above n below it. Wanted to do something to remember them by so thought a tattoo would be perfect.

Talk to people on 'miscarriage n pregnancy loss' fb page as well as blog on here. Really helps, though noone knows what its really like to lose a child(ren) until they been through it themselves; they can only imagine the hurt, pain, depression n overall loss that we go through. They say time is a great healer, though u never get over the loss, they become easier to cope with. Yet, the more i lose the worse i feel after n this time i feel like my whole world has falled apart n completely devastated

until next time, hugs n keep safe xxx

bad times... y me again??

Started bleeding overnight on Thursday/Friday... along with pain in left side of tummy n across lower n middle of my back, i knew i was miscarrying again. 9 weeks n 3 days yesterday. I rung my midwife who said to attend A + E, which i did. they tested my bloods - all normal. urine pregnancy test negative ;( no sign of infection either. i was right, my lil bean had gone ;( it feels like my heart has been ripped out of my chest n my world collapsing around me :(

This was my 8th pregnancy now, with all previous pregnancies being miscarried :( what am i doing wrong? have i worn the wrong clothes? taking too many meds? jinxing myself?? all i know is that it's happened again n i feel like a failure. that's all i want is to be called mummy - is that too much to ask?

When i attended clinic bout all this, she was very patronising n said it was all because of my weight :( practically my weight is killing the babies - that's how i understood what she said.

I left A + E n went home in a daze, crying. i later went down to outta hours for strong pain meds. I have been in continuous agony in my back more than anywhere else, but it doesnt seem to want to go away.

Throughout all this, my voices were raging, chanting at me - FAILURE, PATHETIC, USELESS WOMAN along with U DONT DESERVE CHILDREN - ringing in my ears. i tried my best to block everything out.
Once home from outta hours, I took my night time meds along with more pain relief n went to bed. Just wanted to curl up into a ball and sleep n not wake up n today is no different. Still got the pain though the bleeding has eased, but still feel really down n upset, numb, empty, useless. just wanna go back to sleep.

Everywhere i look there are babies, young children or pregnant women - it's killing me ;(

mixed emotions

I was due to have my resp cons on june 21st, however the letter i received yesterday cancels this appt. it was written by my cons herself, stating that at the time of my next appt she is on annual leave?! surely reception knew that before booking the appt for me... but then again it is the NHS after all. so now have to wait for new appt to arrive in 'due course' and carry on with my pred reducing regime, which is not going very well. spent 2 days on 17.5mg but cudnt manage so back on 20mg :( will i ever be off this stuff?? hmmm... maybe not :(

Also, it seems i have had my dates wrong - I will be 9 weeks pregnant on thursday, when i see the midwife at 2.15pm and hoping scan next week so i can see my lil bean ;) due 20/1/14. i been craving ice cream n cheese (not together!) n heave at sight or even thought of eggs - YUK!! I am forever feeling tired n lethargic grrr. Voices have subsided the last few days thankfully, but this change in weather not exactly helping my chest n as such been bit more breathless n tighter than usual :(

As i may have told u, i shaved my hair off on 25/5/13 to raise awareness of asthma n do fundraising for AUK :) So far sent them a postal order for £23 n got more money waiting for n even raised £15 on my online fundraising page on www.just-giving.com (search michelle bradley)

Got Dai's cousin's funeral tomorrow :( she was 41. soo young. she leaves behind her husband n 2 children, who they have said are coping extremely well, considering... hope she has the good send off that she deserves.

Let u know at weekend how everything goes :) hugs xxx

Another day In my life...

Well.. Another day in mika's life.
Still having fits but not for over a week now. Finally got an appt June 24th n asthma cons 21st June. I am in high demand!!
Getting used to being diabetic n diet changes, it's so hard. Grrr
On orlistat from gp help me lose weight, which I take 3 times a day with food
Migraines n joint pains continue. Apparently I maybe salicylate sensitive :| luckily painkillers work... When given time to work but pain in ankles worse
Fell Monday badly spraining my foot :( I feel like I am always complaining bout something or something wrong u know.
Good news - found out last weekend that I am pregnant!! Will be six weeks this Monday =)) but last Tuesday started bleeding a little so feared the worst. Spoken to gp who said to retest on Friday. It was positive still so I had a threatened miscarriage but it fuckinh frightened me as thi baby means the world to me and Dai u know. Seen obs n Gynae cons last Tuesday too but didn't tell her I was pregnant. She reckons I have lost all previous pregnancies coz of my weight n if I lose another 2-3 stone, she positive I be okay to carry to term with no problems... So seem like I must to be to blame ;( I was carrying them n I am too fat ;( voices n depression raging this week n head been all over the place like am on emotional roller coaster n emotionally drained N have been in bed n asleep by 9:30 tues, weds n Thursday! Managed 3 hours sleep last night then had another 2 hrs grrr
Been needing extra meds to help me n weather being so hot am needing extra inh as well, but steroid still between 20-25mg. Oh n the obs n Gynae cons said on too many meds but stopped the diuretics n increased my folic acid to 5mg coz of my weight - not like I fucking like taking my meds n their side effects meaning more meds needed!!!!
Pred causing joint probs, severe reflux n brittle bones n asthma affecting my heart as well :(
Ever since tuesday n the cons more or less blaming me coz of my weight, I been having voices raging n needed extra meds to get rid n feelingso low coz when started bleeding thought 'not again!' been okay though since yesterday :)

So. To today. Went for brekkie in town then sunbathing down dai's auntie Karen's n caught the sun - oops!! Sunburn to chest, arms, back n face :|

Don't seem to be having any morning sickness this time only norm reflux which taking meds for, as well as gaviscon! I ain't complaining though if I see, smell or cook an egg for dai to have egg sandwich then i am heaving!! Ever since last pregnancy I can't go near eggs :| weird! But one thing I have noticed is that am more tired.
Still focusing on Caitlyn rose/ faith hope for girl n Keegan John/Logan James for a boy. Keep teasing dai that I am carrying twins - wont know till scan on 24/7/13 n got midwife next Thursday at 10am. Just wanna be a mummy u know n fingers crossed everything be okay this time =)) due date - 3/2/14 that's 2 days after my birthday! Great pressie for me ini ;) though I will admit I am petrified that when I am a mum coz of all my problems - especially my asthma with it being so severe u know. Don't wish my problems on anyone, never mind my own child.
Haven't told psych yet but know what meds need to stop n be careful with. Diazepam defo no no unless absolutely needed, same with anti psychotic haloperidol, anti depressants to continue as well as other anti psychotic n sleeping tabs as the benefits outweighs the risks to me n lil bump
Maybe u all will think its too early for me to say am pregnant n I agree, but it has an impact on my physical n psych probs u know so it explains a bit as to the way I am feeling
Till next time, big hugs xxx

and so it continues...

well, just seen my blogs n noticed i havent written one since aug 24th 2011 - sorry!
so much has happened so i apologise for ranting on!
new flat in london didnt go well. day after moving things in, i end up in my local hospital back home in south wales for 3 months!!!! ... then a 2 weeks stay in the RBH. that was horrid. they practically said it was mostly in my head n every doctor, except the consultant was patronising. was dignosed asthma, dysfunctional
breathing n severe reflux. felt a fake ;( came home dec 9th 2011. felt so low, but on the upside i had started talking to a friend who i have known for 18 years (16 at the time!) and he even proposed n i said yes =))
spent xmas at home recovering after being back in costa yet again. i had no life, was either costa or bed recovering ;( still feeling really low, but taking increased dose of citalopram antidepressant, on 27th dec 2011 i took massive overdose - full bottle codeine, 28 diazepam and 28 codeine. dai came to visit me in A + E where i seen psych and was kept in. day later i moved in with dai.
between the 28th dec when i moved in and june last year, i continued to go like a yoyo back n forth to costa n felt like Dai could do better than me ;( but he insisted he loved me n would stand by no matter what.
my health stayed up n down all last year n i spent 6 months total in hospital. seen resp physio for my supposed dysfunction breathing n she said i didnt have it according to the tests, was my severe asthma n hard to control coz of the reflux etc. put on prophylactic azithromycin abx 3/week to see if that would help, as well as 3 diff reflux meds with prn gaviscon.
money was hard at first as still on SSP till jan last year, then put on ESA and i applied for DLA, which i had.
we moved into our new home may 24th. was very stressful. u guessed it, i ended up back in costa, coz of the dust n stress of moving ;( been here just over a year now. suffered 5 miscarriages between jan- dec 21st 2012. the last of which i was 11 weeks ;(
my psych health not good at all. from june 29 - oct 2 2012 i was taking overdoses and cutting n burning my self in acts of self harm. i was put into cefn coed in swansea (psych unit) for treatment n observation n diagnosed - severe clinical depression, PTSD and scizophrenia coz of the voices. after being there 5 days i was trasferred to my local psych unit for 5 days also.
on oct 2nd dai told me if i ever did anything again he wouold leave me ;( both me and my CPN have since told him, i will have these diagnoses for a while yet n will self harm again. i did, i overdosed again before christmas, but he didnt leave me thankfully =)) he has stood by me through thick n thin i love him and thank him for being him every single day. i am still under psych n have a CPN Julie who is fab. i have since been taken off diazepam n now on 2 x antipsychotics, sleeping tablet and 2 anti depressants as they felt that 1 wasnt controlling me enough. put on the second antipsychotic last week.
started having fits since oct, been diagnosed epileptic as well as having high fasting blood sugars n diagnosed diet controlled NIDDM (diabetic) last tuesday. been on slimming tabs for 2 months n due to be weighed tomorrow n have another script from GP. at last weigh in i had lost 7kg in a month!!
it seems i am falling apart coz of this horrible disease and its required meds. pred wise i was down to 20mg for first time in 4 years, lasted week before needing go back 25mg again coz of yet anopther chest infection. seems i have one every 2-3 weeks.
feel like such a failure as cant manage on my own sometimes needing costa and that cant manage on a low dose. fucking lungs, fucking body ;( seen ENT n the reflux has burnt the back of my throat. did have a cyst on my vocal cord but this has since gone - thankfully
my ankles hurt, my lower back and my left knee sometimes gives way. what gonna happen next??
oh n by the way i got married to dai 9/3/13 =) was the only day in march that it didnt rain! n we trying for family now to add to dai's 3 children from previously - Dylan, megan and tegan.
boys: thinking logan james/ keegan john
girls: kaitlyn rose/ faith hope
what u all think of the names then?

xxxx

another day another struggle

last night was rough night. awake till gone 5am with fleet of trucks on chest kept at bay with regular nebbng etc and trying to get comfy in bed took ages, then of course the sally shakes - oh how we all love them :) NOT!!
tried to keep going wiv nebs etc as after being in costa so much i am doing my damn best keep away from the place - without taking risks... 999 if necessary etc..

then along with asthma symptoms and side effects the negative feeling of depression were kicking in and bad thoughts came back :( should i overdose again? do i stop taking my medication? why should i bother using nebs to relieve an atak when i can let nature take its course? i ignored them.
i hate feeling like that . . . i hate the negative thoughts etc. i was never like this before. havent had bad thoughts like this sinc itu in may/june and was stopped from doing silly things then by dear friends met on AUK :)

went to gp this morning to sort out new meds for reflux and few bits n discuss letter received from them - dear costa del nhs given me MRSA how nice of them hey?! just to add insult to bloody injury :'(
occ health said not a prob as still off sick n not having surgery in next few weeks but treatment anyways then  restest till 3 negative results

afterwards went to council bout diff things with new home - they couldnt do much - waste of time really. dad gonna pay deposit etc and help as much as he can financially as on SSP only now and struggling with bills etc and even living in london :( even more stress!! but dad helping as dun want me stressing and ending up back in dreaded costa with huge attack again

even walking down the street cant manage without having to stop few times, sit down to take 10 puff and catch breath then start again.. falling apart. damn lungs - pathetic and useless lungs = pathetic and useless body of mine :(
had to ask someone on bus to move for me sit down as was getting dizzy and strugglin bit breathing - she asked why as was so young i could stand !!
i got off bus at next stop and waited for next bus - no energy or breath to argue :(

flat is nice :) huge kitchen and my room is nice and fully furnished so gotta try workout where put things . changing addresses too *sigh* nightmare. gp says even though moving out of area he wants to keep me under his wing cos of history which is nice of him. where new place is - right next to local costa - good place to be but couldnt walk there in acute attack if really bad - would still 999. if not so bad - bus round corner.

came home and had food with flatmates before one that threw me out went to work an the other who i get on with stayed i an we both had drink together and ice cream therapy :) ice cream defo needs to be additional therapy in attacks! managed pck one box of cd's got exhausted so flat out on sofa with flatmate to watch tv. he could see was very SOB so ordered me to neb and not move! so he did drinks and kept watchful eye on me - no costa tonite he hopes lol
no indeed! wouldnt let me move till time for bed bless him :) will miss him dearly now am moving out though still in touch and will be meeting up :) cant say the same for other flatmate tho ...

now in my room. asthma still rearing its ugly head :( so sick of all this - why cant i be normal and breathe normal ?? please.
nebbing and have done bedtime meds and even sorted out meds for morning. pains in chest and shoulder - bloody stress got a lot to answer for ...

wanna sleep but too much goin on - asthma can bite my arse.

new to bloggin :S

hi guys!
thanks for reading this and i hope it doesnt bore u too much although better than counting sheep ;) lol

anyways as you can see from my profile i am a young laydee with brittle asthma and depression as well as other conidtions - but we wont go into that - list too long! lol.
everyday an indeeed parts of the days themselves are variable in itself to great degrees both physically and psychologically.

diagnosed asthma 9 years ago, back in wales, moved up here 5 years ago when spiral began down hill worse and worse till diagnosed brittle early last year and am taking every known asthma medication known to man as well as home nebs and high dose maintenance steroids :( grrr... still having quite severe attacks in the last year or so which have meant 3 x itu admissions - tubed twice, hdu almost every admission and cardiac arrest 29/6/11
on 60mg pred for next week, then try 50mg over weekend then 40mg till RBH. havent been able reach below 20mg pred for over 2 years - all goes horribly wrong.

due to instability of condition and frequency of admissions due to attacks and the sheer exhaustion of the attacks themselves, been off work since feb 5th - though was on a.leave for egypt for my birthday which i had to cancel :( so last shift was end january!!
occ health have asked me to be realistic, honestly do i see myself back in that environment like before, will my lungs cope? honestly - i dont know. i have been under my idiot of a cons for past 18 mths and we dont get on but i am now awaiting RBH at last - next month - so they can sort me out and gimme my health back - MY LIFE back. it be nice to have a day when i wasnt so reliant on nebs and inh to help me make it through the day, you know? wen go back in 2 weeks - crossed fingers - it will be non clinical for few months till more stable and controlled and half my life back, then back on clinical duty.
seems forever though thankfully no talk of medical retirement as yet. redeployment  necessary though.

got review with cons idiot next week - he knows i been seeing psych last year and wanted to know why - in front of 6 med students ? hmmm maybe not. so refused. only partly to do with asthma last year and other issues which i won go into if u dun mind. but no longer seeing as felt not helping - discharged from her last year. cons openly admitted he doesnt know wot to do with me now - i feel let down, hurt and angry that he reckons he cant do anymore and that everything i suggest he says - oh we dont do that, oh that wont work. he only started xolair to be seen as doing something as not that allergic and said he didnt think it will be of much benefit but worth a shot! made me so unwell after one injection, then few weeks later wen should have gone for next injection - itu admission so obv couldnt go. i know there's more i can try and new treatments to see what will help - RBH will sort me out - i hope :(
my poor viens and arteries are so hurty and bruised from all the ABG and iv access in costa now, they talked of a port a cath then dismissed it as they reckon havent used up all my veins??

cons also doesnt know gp started me on citalopram for my depresssion - i had to do something. this year has gotten me so much - i thought 5 months off work in/out hosp last year were bad enough, but with 30 admissions in past 7 months including multiple resp arrests, cardiac arrest and being told i died for a minute, and being tubed... too much to deal with. the only support - AUK forum members who i have become close friends with, along with my best friend.
how could i tell my family and friends that i wanted to ... that i couldnt take anymore, that i knew my asthma was gonna kill me :(
being in ituwas longest 4 weeks ever, though not remembering first lil bit was godsend - AUK friend helped me through it and stopped me giving up and pulled me through it - she was also in itu around sametime so we supported each other :) she stopped me doing silly things twice and whenever had bad thoughts - or felt very down and emotional, which is big trigger for my asthma attacks being the emotion grrr - i would text or ring her and i would feel better :)
flatmates i think have found it difficult to deal with even though they nurses themselves - its difficult seeing your friends suffer isnt it :( in middle of everything last week - he decided to gimme months notice to move out :'( luckily though quickly found new place and picked up keys today and signed contract :) then went splat on way to bus stop and spent rest of day back in FIRST home - costa resus for treatment for severe attack. not impressed. got discharged yesterday after being in hdu all weekend and had resp arrest again on sat nite. i get so scared as i knew didnt feel right - told doctor who was just about to try put iv access in my arm and told him i think gonna stop breathing, am soo tired. then blacked out ... resp arrest.
been given strict instructions to rest - no more trying to pack and to leave it for parents when they come to help me at weekend. orite then if i must ;) but i admit my prob is knowing when to rest and admit to self take it easy as i am so used to being on the go before all this you know - but now walking is an effort :( i used to run the ward and work on itu for 13 hr shifts huh no chance now :( not until i can hopefully get better control.. but need to work - money is big issue especially with moving and thats stress as well as moving causing stress and lungs cant cope :'(
need a holiday! as i said lungs were stroppy so egypt for m birthday was cancelled, then was due to go rome in june - i was still in itu so nope lungs win again. no hols for me :(  rung insurance company and told them bout admission etc and that wanted to renew my policy - told they wouldnt cover me cos of itu etc - and if wanted cover for just a week they would do it for 1000 i fell silent with shock :S eek!!
but consultant and gp have agreed they not allowing me to fly as yet and to be honest my friends are afraid to go away with me! and my sister certainly is - she was in back of ambulance with me when my heart and lungs stopped and paramedic took her outsid as she was obv distressed and shouting i love you to me :'( the thought of her seeing them do .... and me like that upsets and angers me - she younger than me and has lil baby. why should i be scaring my sister?? obv i dun mean to and luckily she lives in diff country so dont see her often and look wot happens wen i do :( not safe around anyone... really need sort stroppy lungs out and kick asthma butt ;)
goin council tomorrow to enquire bout housing benefit and dad gonna pay deposit on new home for me. then over to new place have proper look round and decide where put things lol then back here to rest twitchy sodding lungs. home to parents on thursday - was gonna go tomorrow but think lungs n me need rest plus got things to sort bout new home and people to ring.
stress, stress, DUST, emotion, poor lungs, poor me!!
welcome to my world :)
sorry for long post - once started writing couldnt stop - all in my head you know.
mika
x x x