yesterday i went out for the afternoon - retail therapy - with hubby's aunt n uncle to do some shopping for the house n few extra lil pressies. was nice to get out of house! then once home had a nap before x factor. i dont seem to be sleeping well at all ... even when i took diazepam the other night.
today i went with my dad, sis n niece for her to go horse riding. she looks like a pro more n more each time she goes! bless her she only 4, not 5 till december. she really confident n loves doing it :) i also got given a 7 x 5 inch photo of her school pics which have just come back. all the family paid towards having big photo package. fab pic :) she looks so grown up! even when compared to last year's pic!! only today, been having toothache n now a migraine since last hr or so, but toothache since last night. taking regular pain killers n drinking plenty but pain is agonising n cant manage to eat much as it hurts too much. dentist tomorrow i think :( cant ring emergency dentist as cant get there - dad working nights.
yesterday i decided to take a break from facebook for a while. though
still able to get msg on my messenger. just need time to myself, time
to clear my head and for things to get better mentally. i feel
emotionally and mentally exhausted. the whole tara situation has really
knocked me for 6 :'( hubby worried that my mental health is taking a downward spiral. he has noticed i dont seem myself n feel crap. going to ring my CPN tomorrow to see if we can have a chat - in person not on phone.
mattress we ordered is coming tomorrow as well. then we visiting hubby's bro and SIL for a bit.
watching the football now, then shower, nap, then x factor results - andrea to win, but fleur is growing on me as well as stereo kicks, though there was a story on facebook saying that one of the stereo kicks boys has been kicked out!! oops! naughty boy!
hopefully onwards n upwards tomorrow, but i wont count on it
xxx
Sunday 9 November 2014
Friday 7 November 2014
then truth is out
re: tara. my concerns were confirmed today. i added one of tara's friends n messaged her to see if i cud find out whats going on.
what i posted on the brittle asthma group i am part of :
i have been in touch with a friend of tara's. who says : Tara hasn't been in work cause she's Ill in the UK she has never had heart surgery she was in work Monday she just has a flu and her parents are defo full of life they were also both down the other week
Michelle Snowy Bradley she also says : No this is not true Tara's parents are both fine and well in yoeville Somerset
i am so hurt. i am fucking fuming. the group is there to support people, care and concerned people have all been hurt by all HER lies, decption and bullshit to be frank. why? why lie? the truth always comes out in the end.
i am glad people like her are in the minority.
i messaged Tara this :
what i posted on the brittle asthma group i am part of :
i have been in touch with a friend of tara's. who says : Tara hasn't been in work cause she's Ill in the UK she has never had heart surgery she was in work Monday she just has a flu and her parents are defo full of life they were also both down the other week
i am so hurt. i am fucking fuming. the group is there to support people, care and concerned people have all been hurt by all HER lies, decption and bullshit to be frank. why? why lie? the truth always comes out in the end.
i am glad people like her are in the minority.
i messaged Tara this :
we
know the truth tara. we know u r not in spain. we know that ur parents r
both well and in the UK- ur dad has not passed away as 'louise' had
said.
why lie?? how can u b so sick?? lots of us were genuinely concerned. thats how caring we are, our group cares n respects each other. its hurtful what u have done so i hope ur proud of urself
why lie?? how can u b so sick?? lots of us were genuinely concerned. thats how caring we are, our group cares n respects each other. its hurtful what u have done so i hope ur proud of urself
she has seen it, but not replied - truth hurts doesnt it?!
so hurt by all this :'(
Thursday 6 November 2014
taken for a mug, but good things too :)
well where to start. start with the positives i think!
1. wooden flooring completed and wardrobes up :) feels like home now. even bought a rug for in front of fireplace ;)
2. had a letter from DWP yesterday. been granted PIP - finally had decision after applying in march! got standard care and advanced mobility from 3/12/14 for 3 years. my DLA will continue till then, AND its more money ;)
3. had my liver USS on weds. found out the problem ... fatty liver caused by diabetes and probably my weight as well as medication from when i OD'd :'( gotta wait till see cons in dec to start treatment
4. went to therapy yesterday. went okay. going to start EMDR therapy as well now coz she says its the way forward to talk thru the traumas ....
and now ... seems like i have been made a fool out of. feel like a right mug. u remember i said bout Tara? and her so called friend 'louise smith'. well katie hemmings (brittle asthma group) and myself have had concerns, ie. things dont add up right with diff things 'louise' been saying.
here is the message i sent to admin tanya greaves and sara campbell:
hi
tanya. thanks. both myself and katie hemmings are worried and concerned
about Tara Jenkins. all isnt what it seems. 'louise' has been in touch
with us both n we have been updating. however, few things dont add up so
we thinking that she isnt who she says etc. firstly, she provided me
with her mobile number, yet being in spain it shud b charging me as she
is supposedly abroad, however it hasnt charged me (i get unlimited free
texts with my contract) leading me to believe that 'they' are not in
spain at all. according to 'lou' she has both an NGT and IV as cannot
tolerate anything by mouth as vomiting - surely the NGT feed wud have
same effect?? when asked by both myself and katie, she wud not say where
in spain they are and what hospital, if any. both myself and katie
hemmings have had a lot to do deal with recently ourselves and i have
mental health problems which are worse because of the stress and worry
of the 'tara' situation and for past week or so, 'louise' continues to
contact myself and katie, even when we are saying we are not well, or we
are busy etc. the other weekend i was watching x factor. she told me
that she had hear Andrea faustini sing - how?? also she knew what
contestants were thru, sent home, again how??
i also asked 'louise' if i cud post something on Tara's wall to explain what had happened and how she was etc - but 'louise' said no as noone cared other than myself, katie and the brittle group
katie hemmings has said u can contact her for more information. we dont know what to do. i am deleting my thread that i started in the group on 'tara's update'
sorry but we just dunno what to do. i am becoming unwell and katie doesnt need the hassle after almost losing her daughter bex last week
1. wooden flooring completed and wardrobes up :) feels like home now. even bought a rug for in front of fireplace ;)
2. had a letter from DWP yesterday. been granted PIP - finally had decision after applying in march! got standard care and advanced mobility from 3/12/14 for 3 years. my DLA will continue till then, AND its more money ;)
3. had my liver USS on weds. found out the problem ... fatty liver caused by diabetes and probably my weight as well as medication from when i OD'd :'( gotta wait till see cons in dec to start treatment
4. went to therapy yesterday. went okay. going to start EMDR therapy as well now coz she says its the way forward to talk thru the traumas ....
and now ... seems like i have been made a fool out of. feel like a right mug. u remember i said bout Tara? and her so called friend 'louise smith'. well katie hemmings (brittle asthma group) and myself have had concerns, ie. things dont add up right with diff things 'louise' been saying.
here is the message i sent to admin tanya greaves and sara campbell:
yes
i also asked 'louise' if i cud post something on Tara's wall to explain what had happened and how she was etc - but 'louise' said no as noone cared other than myself, katie and the brittle group
katie hemmings has said u can contact her for more information. we dont know what to do. i am deleting my thread that i started in the group on 'tara's update'
sorry but we just dunno what to do. i am becoming unwell and katie doesnt need the hassle after almost losing her daughter bex last week
let u know what happens. but for now i have been igrnoring louise's texts and mesages and have blocked 'louise smith' on my facebook. i dont need this.
Sunday 2 November 2014
meh ...
well today mark's 4 years since i was last raped :'( as u know, i have been raped twice (2001 and 2010) i have been having awful horrid nightmares n flashbacks n sleep awful. i am in therapy and having CBT every 2 weeks, next one is tuesday - i wont know where to start!! last session the therapist gimme a pebble, i use this pebble to hold and rub n keep hold off to bring myself 'back to reality' and ground myself when scared, anxious, upset etc. i think it helps, weirdly ... had a bad night sleep last night for obvious reasons - even tho i have diazepam, i didnt wanna rely on it. woke up bout 3am with mega heartburn n coughing/wheezy and vomited everywhere in bathroom! oops :(
i updated my status on fb today ... saying happy birthday to my great aunt flo who wud have been 98 today!! as well as my uncle colin who passed away feb 13th of this year with liver failure :'( he wud have been 52 today, year older than my mum. the 'firsts' are always the hardest arent they - 1st birthday, 1st xmas, 1st anniversary without a deceased loved one :( i havent spoken to his daughter (one of 2 daughters, as well as having 2 sons) since he passed away n given where she lives, she did not attend the funeral either :( she insists i did wrong in telling her disabled sister that their dad had passed away, coz she had told her that he had gone abroad to work. she had a right to know tho, he WAS her FATHER!! oh well ...
chest not been too bad today :) just during early hours of this morning. since then just needed inh as well as having my usual regular QDS salbutamol nebs n TDS atrovent nebs ... start all my meds changes tomorrow so it be day 1 on 18mg - lowest dose in 4 years!! eek. fingers crossed .... i think i need the extra meds n new changes to start ASAP, just hope it all makes a difference so i can last longer than a few weeks outta costa!
got my USS liver wednesday morning :S
finally finished xmas shopping, hubby has too! omg our spare room looks like santa's grotto!! lol. my niece, who is 5 in december, is well into this Disney Frozen thing - never seen it myself - so almost everything i have bought her has been Frozen! fed up of seeing it now! also, had lots of craft stuff for my step daughter who is 6. she also got other things but loves to design n make things so craft things are ideal for her :) i bought them, well most of them, so hubby wrapping them all .. obviously not what i have bought him lol ;) we have had our Park Hampers vouchers back - to spend alllll on ourselves :) still got some left so retail therapy is in order tomorrow - all for ME!!
Tara needed the op last night to repair the ASD/VSD she had. BUT doctors didnt repair it completely. therefore she crashed again and got taken back to theatre this pm. Tara is now out of theatre. sadly she crashed twice on the operating table and surgeons/dr found another tiny hole. BUT both holes have been repaired and she is stable but critical. now starts her long road to recovery. no talk of vent weaning as yet as she needs to recover from the op first ...
busy week this week ... retail therapy tomorrow, therapy tues, USS liver on weds, bloods thursday!! oh n the best night of the week, highlight of my week - BINGO night on tuesday with mum, aunt, aunt, mums friend and my friend - who is also hubby's cousin :) cant wait. it's the only socialising i have lol. not 30 till feb but damn i feel old!hopefully i should have decision bout my PIP soon, this week i hope. i sent it to them in march, had my medical at home in early sept so shouldnt be much longer. though thankfully i have been getting DLA whilst waiting, i am still in limbo ...
been watching the manchester derby today :) although not impressed :( man utd lost 1-0 n were down to 10 men :'( watched it while we had nice pork dinner for lunch, both me n hubby cooked it together. then watched aston villa v spurs on mute (1-2) as watching last night's casualty online on BBC iPlayer ;) watched bradley walsh's new quiz on ITV1 tonight! it started last week 'keep it in the family' it is really good! now for the best programme of the night - X FACTOR: RESULTS!! one went last night - Jack - mel b's act. he sung bleeding love by leona lewis and was abismal!! i loved stevie ritchie singing last night - my fave musical :) BUT he seriosuly needs to go! he is awful lol
speak soon :) stay safe all xxx
i updated my status on fb today ... saying happy birthday to my great aunt flo who wud have been 98 today!! as well as my uncle colin who passed away feb 13th of this year with liver failure :'( he wud have been 52 today, year older than my mum. the 'firsts' are always the hardest arent they - 1st birthday, 1st xmas, 1st anniversary without a deceased loved one :( i havent spoken to his daughter (one of 2 daughters, as well as having 2 sons) since he passed away n given where she lives, she did not attend the funeral either :( she insists i did wrong in telling her disabled sister that their dad had passed away, coz she had told her that he had gone abroad to work. she had a right to know tho, he WAS her FATHER!! oh well ...
chest not been too bad today :) just during early hours of this morning. since then just needed inh as well as having my usual regular QDS salbutamol nebs n TDS atrovent nebs ... start all my meds changes tomorrow so it be day 1 on 18mg - lowest dose in 4 years!! eek. fingers crossed .... i think i need the extra meds n new changes to start ASAP, just hope it all makes a difference so i can last longer than a few weeks outta costa!
got my USS liver wednesday morning :S
finally finished xmas shopping, hubby has too! omg our spare room looks like santa's grotto!! lol. my niece, who is 5 in december, is well into this Disney Frozen thing - never seen it myself - so almost everything i have bought her has been Frozen! fed up of seeing it now! also, had lots of craft stuff for my step daughter who is 6. she also got other things but loves to design n make things so craft things are ideal for her :) i bought them, well most of them, so hubby wrapping them all .. obviously not what i have bought him lol ;) we have had our Park Hampers vouchers back - to spend alllll on ourselves :) still got some left so retail therapy is in order tomorrow - all for ME!!
Tara needed the op last night to repair the ASD/VSD she had. BUT doctors didnt repair it completely. therefore she crashed again and got taken back to theatre this pm. Tara is now out of theatre. sadly she crashed twice on the operating table and surgeons/dr found another tiny hole. BUT both holes have been repaired and she is stable but critical. now starts her long road to recovery. no talk of vent weaning as yet as she needs to recover from the op first ...
busy week this week ... retail therapy tomorrow, therapy tues, USS liver on weds, bloods thursday!! oh n the best night of the week, highlight of my week - BINGO night on tuesday with mum, aunt, aunt, mums friend and my friend - who is also hubby's cousin :) cant wait. it's the only socialising i have lol. not 30 till feb but damn i feel old!hopefully i should have decision bout my PIP soon, this week i hope. i sent it to them in march, had my medical at home in early sept so shouldnt be much longer. though thankfully i have been getting DLA whilst waiting, i am still in limbo ...
been watching the manchester derby today :) although not impressed :( man utd lost 1-0 n were down to 10 men :'( watched it while we had nice pork dinner for lunch, both me n hubby cooked it together. then watched aston villa v spurs on mute (1-2) as watching last night's casualty online on BBC iPlayer ;) watched bradley walsh's new quiz on ITV1 tonight! it started last week 'keep it in the family' it is really good! now for the best programme of the night - X FACTOR: RESULTS!! one went last night - Jack - mel b's act. he sung bleeding love by leona lewis and was abismal!! i loved stevie ritchie singing last night - my fave musical :) BUT he seriosuly needs to go! he is awful lol
speak soon :) stay safe all xxx
Saturday 1 November 2014
new start .. again
well... what has happened since march of this year ...
1. on august 13th, we moved from that horrid 2 bed house to a 2 bed council flat closer to my family. the place has no stairs and a walk in shower n handrail ;) perfect for me. i love the place. it's lovely and quiet. had free paint from council too ;) budgeting loan paid for flooring, which is finally being done tomorrow by hubby's uncle
2. oct 2nd i had to unfortunately put down our jack russell Chorkie :'( hardest decision we have made, but at leat there's no more suffering, no more pain etc..
3. from a psych point of view, my antidepressants caused my heart probs - prolonged QT syndrome - so were changed. anti psychotics remain the same. still having counselling and in close contact with my CPN. started therapy and CBT and i go every 2 weeks .. i think it's helping, BUT tomorrow is my dead great aunts birthday, my deceased uncle's birthday, marks 1 month since we had to put down Chorkie our jack russell and marks 4 years since i was last raped :'( the nightmares and flashbacks are horrid. needing diazepam and my sleep is all over the place. been so down last week or so, between the psych probs, asthma n arthritis acting up and a friend fighting for her life in a foreign country .... update u when i can but she is very poorly in ITU needing a heart op to correct either an ASD or a VSD (unsure which) but she too unstable at present :'(
4. as u all know i have had multiple miscarriages and previously mentioned, i lost skye on jan 13th this year, well may 30th the hospital gimme a scan and confirmed i had miscarried yet again :'( taylor shae was gone at 12w 5d - furthest i have carried. FINALLY seen gynae in sept and swabs, bloods and internal scan done. all NORMAL so i am no further at knowing what is behind them all, nothing wrong found. will i ever be a mum?? why me?? why us?? i need answers but noone can give them to me :'(
5. diabetes - still on metformin 500mg tds. damn side effect of evil pred. but sugars seem to be well controlled except when unwell though. diabetes nurse happy with me. seen cardiologist regarding 'fits' and fainting episodes, says its cough syncope so nothing terrible wrong, thankfully n haven't had a 'fit' for bout 3 months :D
6. ITU admission again april/may - needed usual iv stuff as well as iv insulin and iv phosphate - never needed them before :( was in for 7 days. the care was fab. really impressed by the hospital as well as the team of doctors that helped. not forgetting the nurses of course ;) needed few admissions since then - no change there! - but no further ITU admissions as yet (touch wood!) got a new asthma cons whom i seen 26/9 she is awesome. however only this week my GP had the clinic letter! oh well, it was worth the weight. she says i am a steroid dependant brittle asthmatic both type 1 and 2. she has done baseline bloods and allergy bloods as well as ordered repeat lung function tests as my last one was 2011 showing only 47% predicted - eek! best PF 500 bout a year ago, but cant remember when PF was last above 400 if i am honest :( LFT was slightly abnormal so having USS liver next weds. she thinks it maybe due to my psych history of overdosing quite a lot previously. i take pain relief for my arthritis (as well as use a crutch) which kinda helps, but only take meds if i REALLY need to. the plan now is to have lansoprazole back to 60mg BD, gaviscon QDS, symbicort 400/12 2 puffs TDS instead of BD and to increase phyllocontin to 675mg from 450mg as last level in sept was only 4.8 from 3.3 in march. we plan to reduce pred by 1mg every 4 weeks till i see her again in clinic in december, starting on 18mg from this week. at next aoot cons will commence Spiriva and magnesium too :) very pleased with the plan :)
started up 2 asthma groups too - 'severe/brittle asthma support group' and 'asthma help!' one of the questions asked on there was 'if u cud have anything to cure asthma, what wud it be?' well i could honestly say if it were possible to be cured by love and support of friends then i wudnt have a care in the world :D so thank u all xxx
7. i have found even more friends from being in support groups n chatting on FB :) oh n my niece has started horse riding lessons, she's a pro already - only had 3 lessons so far, but is fine on her own, doesnt need leading. very proud of her. finished xmas shopping :) been watching halloween night on x factor. not impressed by many - prob bout 2 if lucky. stevi ritchie was crap usually, but tonight, WOW!! andrea to win tho i think ....
anyways, i'm off to take bedtime meds n try sleep. just want tomorrow over with :'(
1. on august 13th, we moved from that horrid 2 bed house to a 2 bed council flat closer to my family. the place has no stairs and a walk in shower n handrail ;) perfect for me. i love the place. it's lovely and quiet. had free paint from council too ;) budgeting loan paid for flooring, which is finally being done tomorrow by hubby's uncle
2. oct 2nd i had to unfortunately put down our jack russell Chorkie :'( hardest decision we have made, but at leat there's no more suffering, no more pain etc..
3. from a psych point of view, my antidepressants caused my heart probs - prolonged QT syndrome - so were changed. anti psychotics remain the same. still having counselling and in close contact with my CPN. started therapy and CBT and i go every 2 weeks .. i think it's helping, BUT tomorrow is my dead great aunts birthday, my deceased uncle's birthday, marks 1 month since we had to put down Chorkie our jack russell and marks 4 years since i was last raped :'( the nightmares and flashbacks are horrid. needing diazepam and my sleep is all over the place. been so down last week or so, between the psych probs, asthma n arthritis acting up and a friend fighting for her life in a foreign country .... update u when i can but she is very poorly in ITU needing a heart op to correct either an ASD or a VSD (unsure which) but she too unstable at present :'(
4. as u all know i have had multiple miscarriages and previously mentioned, i lost skye on jan 13th this year, well may 30th the hospital gimme a scan and confirmed i had miscarried yet again :'( taylor shae was gone at 12w 5d - furthest i have carried. FINALLY seen gynae in sept and swabs, bloods and internal scan done. all NORMAL so i am no further at knowing what is behind them all, nothing wrong found. will i ever be a mum?? why me?? why us?? i need answers but noone can give them to me :'(
5. diabetes - still on metformin 500mg tds. damn side effect of evil pred. but sugars seem to be well controlled except when unwell though. diabetes nurse happy with me. seen cardiologist regarding 'fits' and fainting episodes, says its cough syncope so nothing terrible wrong, thankfully n haven't had a 'fit' for bout 3 months :D
6. ITU admission again april/may - needed usual iv stuff as well as iv insulin and iv phosphate - never needed them before :( was in for 7 days. the care was fab. really impressed by the hospital as well as the team of doctors that helped. not forgetting the nurses of course ;) needed few admissions since then - no change there! - but no further ITU admissions as yet (touch wood!) got a new asthma cons whom i seen 26/9 she is awesome. however only this week my GP had the clinic letter! oh well, it was worth the weight. she says i am a steroid dependant brittle asthmatic both type 1 and 2. she has done baseline bloods and allergy bloods as well as ordered repeat lung function tests as my last one was 2011 showing only 47% predicted - eek! best PF 500 bout a year ago, but cant remember when PF was last above 400 if i am honest :( LFT was slightly abnormal so having USS liver next weds. she thinks it maybe due to my psych history of overdosing quite a lot previously. i take pain relief for my arthritis (as well as use a crutch) which kinda helps, but only take meds if i REALLY need to. the plan now is to have lansoprazole back to 60mg BD, gaviscon QDS, symbicort 400/12 2 puffs TDS instead of BD and to increase phyllocontin to 675mg from 450mg as last level in sept was only 4.8 from 3.3 in march. we plan to reduce pred by 1mg every 4 weeks till i see her again in clinic in december, starting on 18mg from this week. at next aoot cons will commence Spiriva and magnesium too :) very pleased with the plan :)
started up 2 asthma groups too - 'severe/brittle asthma support group' and 'asthma help!' one of the questions asked on there was 'if u cud have anything to cure asthma, what wud it be?' well i could honestly say if it were possible to be cured by love and support of friends then i wudnt have a care in the world :D so thank u all xxx
7. i have found even more friends from being in support groups n chatting on FB :) oh n my niece has started horse riding lessons, she's a pro already - only had 3 lessons so far, but is fine on her own, doesnt need leading. very proud of her. finished xmas shopping :) been watching halloween night on x factor. not impressed by many - prob bout 2 if lucky. stevi ritchie was crap usually, but tonight, WOW!! andrea to win tho i think ....
anyways, i'm off to take bedtime meds n try sleep. just want tomorrow over with :'(
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