meh ...

well today mark's 4 years since i was last raped :'( as u know, i have been raped twice (2001 and 2010) i have been having awful horrid nightmares n flashbacks n sleep awful. i am in therapy and having CBT every 2 weeks, next one is tuesday - i wont know where to start!! last session the therapist gimme a pebble, i use this pebble to hold and rub n keep hold off to bring myself 'back to reality' and ground myself when scared, anxious, upset etc. i think it helps, weirdly ... had a bad night sleep last night for obvious reasons - even tho i have diazepam, i didnt wanna rely on it. woke up bout 3am with mega heartburn n coughing/wheezy and vomited everywhere in bathroom! oops :(

i updated my status on fb today ... saying happy birthday to my great aunt flo who wud have been 98 today!! as well as my uncle colin who passed away feb 13th of this year with liver failure :'( he wud have been 52 today, year older than my mum. the 'firsts' are always the hardest arent they - 1st birthday, 1st xmas, 1st anniversary without a deceased loved one :( i havent spoken to his daughter (one of 2 daughters, as well as having 2 sons) since he passed away n given where she lives, she did not attend the funeral either :( she insists i did wrong in telling her disabled sister that their dad had passed away, coz she had told her that he had gone abroad to work. she had a right to know tho, he WAS her FATHER!! oh well ...

chest not been too bad today :) just during early hours of this morning. since then just needed inh as well as having my usual regular QDS salbutamol nebs n TDS atrovent nebs ... start all my meds changes tomorrow so it be day 1 on 18mg - lowest dose in 4 years!! eek. fingers crossed .... i think i need the extra meds n new changes to start ASAP, just hope it all makes a difference so i can last longer than a few weeks outta costa!
got my USS liver wednesday morning :S

 finally finished xmas shopping, hubby has too! omg our spare room looks like santa's grotto!! lol. my niece, who is 5 in december, is well into this Disney Frozen thing - never seen it myself - so almost everything i have bought her has been Frozen! fed up of seeing it now! also, had lots of craft stuff for my step daughter who is 6. she also got other things but loves to design n make things so craft things are ideal for her :) i bought them, well most of them, so hubby wrapping them all .. obviously not what i have bought him lol ;) we have had our Park Hampers vouchers back - to spend alllll on ourselves :) still got some left so retail therapy is in order tomorrow - all for ME!!

Tara needed the op last night to repair the ASD/VSD she had. BUT doctors didnt repair it completely. therefore she crashed again and got taken back to theatre this pm. Tara is now out of theatre. sadly she crashed twice on the operating table and surgeons/dr found another tiny hole. BUT both holes have been repaired and she is stable but critical. now starts her long road to recovery. no talk of vent weaning as yet as she needs to recover from the op first ...

busy week this week ... retail therapy tomorrow, therapy tues, USS liver on weds, bloods thursday!! oh n the best night of the week, highlight of my week - BINGO night on tuesday with mum, aunt, aunt, mums friend and my friend - who is also hubby's cousin :) cant wait. it's the only socialising i have lol. not 30 till feb but damn i feel old!hopefully i should have decision bout my PIP soon, this week i hope. i sent it to them in march, had my medical at home in early sept so shouldnt be much longer. though thankfully i have been getting DLA whilst waiting, i am still in limbo ...

been watching the manchester derby today :) although not impressed :( man utd lost 1-0 n were down to 10 men :'( watched it while we had nice pork dinner for lunch, both me n hubby cooked it together. then watched aston villa v spurs on mute (1-2) as watching last night's casualty online on BBC iPlayer ;) watched bradley walsh's new quiz on ITV1 tonight! it started last week 'keep it in the family' it is really good! now for the best programme of the night - X FACTOR: RESULTS!! one went last night - Jack - mel b's act. he sung bleeding love by leona lewis and was abismal!! i loved stevie ritchie singing last night - my fave musical :) BUT he seriosuly needs to go! he is awful lol

speak soon :) stay safe all xxx