nice times for a change!

After having awful night on weds night coz of grumpy airbags, thursday was a busy day; dai needing blood done, then having my tattoo to remember my angelbabies by,

then had to go on my course week 4, which i actually enjoyed this time! i have 2 weeks left before i finish and gain a NVQ Management of Longterm Conditions :)
Friday my parents and nan were going for a meal in the newly opened Copper Penny, so me n hubby joined them, to help take my mind off things. was 6 months to the day that we buried my Aunty n i miscarried my previous baby at 10 weeks 6 days - the furthest i had carried, n also was a week since i miscarried this baby at 9 weeks 3 days. We had a 3 course meal n it was lovely, though a bit pricey. Nan got drunk hehe
Went down to visit dai's uncle n aunt yesterday, was a nice catch up :)
All throughout the last few days, the voices reamined silent, but still feeling low n chest okayish now, just coughing a bit more than usual.. heading for another attack and/or infection i think :| fingers crossed though, hey?!
Got hospital appt tomorrow morning to see bout these fits i been having, then got my CPN on tuesday morning, keep u posted
chow for now ;) xxx


 then had to go to week 4 of my course.
The course went well and i actually enjoyed it for a change?! only 2 weeks of it left n i g

another attack

Weds night 11.30pm:
chest wheezy n tight n coughing up half a lung. bloody asthma attack. took 10 puffs inh n 2 atrovent - no effect. waited 10 mins then nebbed salb x 2 and 1 x atrovent nebs. worked for a bit but boy had i forgotten what an attack feels like - tiring, smoothering, suffocating... kept doing inh x 10 puff every half hour till 1.30am when my chest finally eased enough for me to sleep, but so i didnt keep Dai awake i slept out in the living room - much cooler too ;)

woke again for inh at 5 n then AGAIN at 7 then up at 9.30am - busy day ahead :/ dai needed to have his monthly bloods done for his meds, then back for hr kip before going for my new tattoo then my Health n Wellbeing course. phew!! i managed with lots inh but God knows how?! now a migraine - ffs!!

Came back home by 5.30 for food n chillout watching TV, felling really down n sorry for myself. Week ago yesterday i had booked in with my midwife n had a scan - what a difference a week makes?? Week ago today they confirmed i was mummy to another angel baby ;( making it 9 angel babies now. Had a tattoo on my right shoulder to remember the babies i had lost - baby pink bow with baby blue footprints above n below it. Wanted to do something to remember them by so thought a tattoo would be perfect.

Talk to people on 'miscarriage n pregnancy loss' fb page as well as blog on here. Really helps, though noone knows what its really like to lose a child(ren) until they been through it themselves; they can only imagine the hurt, pain, depression n overall loss that we go through. They say time is a great healer, though u never get over the loss, they become easier to cope with. Yet, the more i lose the worse i feel after n this time i feel like my whole world has falled apart n completely devastated

until next time, hugs n keep safe xxx

bad times... y me again??

Started bleeding overnight on Thursday/Friday... along with pain in left side of tummy n across lower n middle of my back, i knew i was miscarrying again. 9 weeks n 3 days yesterday. I rung my midwife who said to attend A + E, which i did. they tested my bloods - all normal. urine pregnancy test negative ;( no sign of infection either. i was right, my lil bean had gone ;( it feels like my heart has been ripped out of my chest n my world collapsing around me :(

This was my 8th pregnancy now, with all previous pregnancies being miscarried :( what am i doing wrong? have i worn the wrong clothes? taking too many meds? jinxing myself?? all i know is that it's happened again n i feel like a failure. that's all i want is to be called mummy - is that too much to ask?

When i attended clinic bout all this, she was very patronising n said it was all because of my weight :( practically my weight is killing the babies - that's how i understood what she said.

I left A + E n went home in a daze, crying. i later went down to outta hours for strong pain meds. I have been in continuous agony in my back more than anywhere else, but it doesnt seem to want to go away.

Throughout all this, my voices were raging, chanting at me - FAILURE, PATHETIC, USELESS WOMAN along with U DONT DESERVE CHILDREN - ringing in my ears. i tried my best to block everything out.
Once home from outta hours, I took my night time meds along with more pain relief n went to bed. Just wanted to curl up into a ball and sleep n not wake up n today is no different. Still got the pain though the bleeding has eased, but still feel really down n upset, numb, empty, useless. just wanna go back to sleep.

Everywhere i look there are babies, young children or pregnant women - it's killing me ;(

mixed emotions

I was due to have my resp cons on june 21st, however the letter i received yesterday cancels this appt. it was written by my cons herself, stating that at the time of my next appt she is on annual leave?! surely reception knew that before booking the appt for me... but then again it is the NHS after all. so now have to wait for new appt to arrive in 'due course' and carry on with my pred reducing regime, which is not going very well. spent 2 days on 17.5mg but cudnt manage so back on 20mg :( will i ever be off this stuff?? hmmm... maybe not :(

Also, it seems i have had my dates wrong - I will be 9 weeks pregnant on thursday, when i see the midwife at 2.15pm and hoping scan next week so i can see my lil bean ;) due 20/1/14. i been craving ice cream n cheese (not together!) n heave at sight or even thought of eggs - YUK!! I am forever feeling tired n lethargic grrr. Voices have subsided the last few days thankfully, but this change in weather not exactly helping my chest n as such been bit more breathless n tighter than usual :(

As i may have told u, i shaved my hair off on 25/5/13 to raise awareness of asthma n do fundraising for AUK :) So far sent them a postal order for £23 n got more money waiting for n even raised £15 on my online fundraising page on www.just-giving.com (search michelle bradley)

Got Dai's cousin's funeral tomorrow :( she was 41. soo young. she leaves behind her husband n 2 children, who they have said are coping extremely well, considering... hope she has the good send off that she deserves.

Let u know at weekend how everything goes :) hugs xxx

Another day In my life...

Well.. Another day in mika's life.
Still having fits but not for over a week now. Finally got an appt June 24th n asthma cons 21st June. I am in high demand!!
Getting used to being diabetic n diet changes, it's so hard. Grrr
On orlistat from gp help me lose weight, which I take 3 times a day with food
Migraines n joint pains continue. Apparently I maybe salicylate sensitive :| luckily painkillers work... When given time to work but pain in ankles worse
Fell Monday badly spraining my foot :( I feel like I am always complaining bout something or something wrong u know.
Good news - found out last weekend that I am pregnant!! Will be six weeks this Monday =)) but last Tuesday started bleeding a little so feared the worst. Spoken to gp who said to retest on Friday. It was positive still so I had a threatened miscarriage but it fuckinh frightened me as thi baby means the world to me and Dai u know. Seen obs n Gynae cons last Tuesday too but didn't tell her I was pregnant. She reckons I have lost all previous pregnancies coz of my weight n if I lose another 2-3 stone, she positive I be okay to carry to term with no problems... So seem like I must to be to blame ;( I was carrying them n I am too fat ;( voices n depression raging this week n head been all over the place like am on emotional roller coaster n emotionally drained N have been in bed n asleep by 9:30 tues, weds n Thursday! Managed 3 hours sleep last night then had another 2 hrs grrr
Been needing extra meds to help me n weather being so hot am needing extra inh as well, but steroid still between 20-25mg. Oh n the obs n Gynae cons said on too many meds but stopped the diuretics n increased my folic acid to 5mg coz of my weight - not like I fucking like taking my meds n their side effects meaning more meds needed!!!!
Pred causing joint probs, severe reflux n brittle bones n asthma affecting my heart as well :(
Ever since tuesday n the cons more or less blaming me coz of my weight, I been having voices raging n needed extra meds to get rid n feelingso low coz when started bleeding thought 'not again!' been okay though since yesterday :)

So. To today. Went for brekkie in town then sunbathing down dai's auntie Karen's n caught the sun - oops!! Sunburn to chest, arms, back n face :|

Don't seem to be having any morning sickness this time only norm reflux which taking meds for, as well as gaviscon! I ain't complaining though if I see, smell or cook an egg for dai to have egg sandwich then i am heaving!! Ever since last pregnancy I can't go near eggs :| weird! But one thing I have noticed is that am more tired.
Still focusing on Caitlyn rose/ faith hope for girl n Keegan John/Logan James for a boy. Keep teasing dai that I am carrying twins - wont know till scan on 24/7/13 n got midwife next Thursday at 10am. Just wanna be a mummy u know n fingers crossed everything be okay this time =)) due date - 3/2/14 that's 2 days after my birthday! Great pressie for me ini ;) though I will admit I am petrified that when I am a mum coz of all my problems - especially my asthma with it being so severe u know. Don't wish my problems on anyone, never mind my own child.
Haven't told psych yet but know what meds need to stop n be careful with. Diazepam defo no no unless absolutely needed, same with anti psychotic haloperidol, anti depressants to continue as well as other anti psychotic n sleeping tabs as the benefits outweighs the risks to me n lil bump
Maybe u all will think its too early for me to say am pregnant n I agree, but it has an impact on my physical n psych probs u know so it explains a bit as to the way I am feeling
Till next time, big hugs xxx