Started bleeding overnight on Thursday/Friday... along with pain in left side of tummy n across lower n middle of my back, i knew i was miscarrying again. 9 weeks n 3 days yesterday. I rung my midwife who said to attend A + E, which i did. they tested my bloods - all normal. urine pregnancy test negative ;( no sign of infection either. i was right, my lil bean had gone ;( it feels like my heart has been ripped out of my chest n my world collapsing around me :(
This was my 8th pregnancy now, with all previous pregnancies being miscarried :( what am i doing wrong? have i worn the wrong clothes? taking too many meds? jinxing myself?? all i know is that it's happened again n i feel like a failure. that's all i want is to be called mummy - is that too much to ask?
When i attended clinic bout all this, she was very patronising n said it was all because of my weight :( practically my weight is killing the babies - that's how i understood what she said.
I left A + E n went home in a daze, crying. i later went down to outta hours for strong pain meds. I have been in continuous agony in my back more than anywhere else, but it doesnt seem to want to go away.
Throughout all this, my voices were raging, chanting at me - FAILURE, PATHETIC, USELESS WOMAN along with U DONT DESERVE CHILDREN - ringing in my ears. i tried my best to block everything out.
Once home from outta hours, I took my night time meds along with more pain relief n went to bed. Just wanted to curl up into a ball and sleep n not wake up n today is no different. Still got the pain though the bleeding has eased, but still feel really down n upset, numb, empty, useless. just wanna go back to sleep.
Everywhere i look there are babies, young children or pregnant women - it's killing me ;(
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