monday i updated my status:
it's been 6 years today...
Always in my thoughts
Forever in my heart;
U may not be with us now..
But we'll never be apart
RIP auntie Becky xxxx
You see my auntie becky was murdered. in her own home, dying in her youngest son's arms ;( by who u ask? her own hubby - my 'uncle' steven. he has spent the last 6 years in HMP serving 13.5 years for what he did.
Earlier tonight i went up dads with Dai - shamed. showed photos of me as a baby, looked almost identical to my sis as a baby - shamed!! was funny n nice to see pics of me when i was younger n even better seeing pics of my grandad :) miss him so much. He been gone 8.5 years almost, but it still hurts you know...
Got psych review on thursday, Dai too. Then i have hosp appt down our hospital for Neurology re: my fits. Hoping for some answers n to be started on the right meds to keep the fits at bay. 27th next month i have resp physio n cons as well.
Off to london on friday :D can't wait. it will be a nice break from everything, you know. Only going for the weekend, but i defo need it, need to see outside these 4 walls for a bit. I know i will miss my hubby, that's only natural. Miss him when i end up admitted coz of my asthma, n sometimes thats only few hours, or even overnight! Love him so much it's unreal
update u all next week on how my weekend goes. Give my lungs a good talking too - they need to behave when in london as dont wanna be admitted whilst am supposed to be on 'holiday' n with the weather only getting hotter, it will be a struggle, i admit that.
xxxxx
Tuesday 9 July 2013
Saturday 6 July 2013
sun!
Talk bout a heatwave!! 24-25 degrees sounds lush dont it :)
spent the afternoon down the beach for the annual Beachfest with the hubby. Everywhere was packed, children shouting having fun, dogs roaming everywhere n people, people, people!! ARGH! That a mega downside. Felt like i was claustrophobic of sorts, n suffocating coz of people left, right n centre of me. Walked along the prom, closely holding onto Dai's hand, soaking up the sun ate sausage baps with fried onions n bottle of coke (£8 for the lot n totally against my health eating i know, but hey ho ini ;) was a fab afternoon spent with the hubby, with the only downside being the high pollen count :| cue nose running n stinging eyes but hey - was fab :)
Came home by bus after a long wait for it. Got changed only to notice i have sunburnt boobs, shoulders n back :( hope its not too sore for me to sleep tonight. it's already gonna be a challenge to sleep in this heat :|
Wonder what we up to tomorrow, hmmm.....
spent the afternoon down the beach for the annual Beachfest with the hubby. Everywhere was packed, children shouting having fun, dogs roaming everywhere n people, people, people!! ARGH! That a mega downside. Felt like i was claustrophobic of sorts, n suffocating coz of people left, right n centre of me. Walked along the prom, closely holding onto Dai's hand, soaking up the sun ate sausage baps with fried onions n bottle of coke (£8 for the lot n totally against my health eating i know, but hey ho ini ;) was a fab afternoon spent with the hubby, with the only downside being the high pollen count :| cue nose running n stinging eyes but hey - was fab :)
Came home by bus after a long wait for it. Got changed only to notice i have sunburnt boobs, shoulders n back :( hope its not too sore for me to sleep tonight. it's already gonna be a challenge to sleep in this heat :|
Wonder what we up to tomorrow, hmmm.....
Tuesday 2 July 2013
what if?
Dont know how many of u on facebook read my blogs, doesn't really matter to me. i just write these blogs to say what is on my mind n help me deal with my daily struggles if, and when, they occur. Thank you to those who do, so here goes...
Today i would have been 12 weeks if i still carried my angel baby... time to relax a little as gotten through first trimester, time for scan n hearing the heartbeat... instead i feel empty, numb. Hearing happy girls on the bus talking bout the good things bout being pregnant, fearing the birth, when their due date is etc, seeing happy health babies on the bus n in town, kills me. Why cant i still have my angel bean? what bout my previous angel baby i lost 21/12/12 - due date 15/7/13 ;( Part of life, i guess. My time will come i know that, just seems a long way off right now u know....
Well, wen i saw the obs n gynae consultant, she had said that all my bloodwork n anatomy was fine. Couldn't explain my recurrent miscarriages, except an issue with me being overweight n was confident i will carry to term next time IF i lost the weight. Had my weight checked today. taking orlistat slimming tabs from doc, which u take 3/day combined with a low fat intake. Lost 5kg (11lb ish) in the last 2 weeks - since weighed in boots :) happy bunnie! heading in the right direction...
Physically, i have finally gotten rid of my chest infection, though still odd cough but hey ho. managed to drop from 30-25mg daily pred for a week, before dropping to 22.5mg for 2 weeks then 20mg for 4 weeks... Luckily, i have got the 'fit' doctor next thursday, as i had yet another fit last night (first in 4 weeks) where i became incontinent n bit inside of cheek, though i dont remember doing it.. Hopefully they will have answers for me n put me on the right meds to keep me in check, here's hoping anyways...
Mentally - seen my cpn on friday, which i wrote about previously, n haven't gotta see her unless i feel i need to. she said whenever i feel down etc, to give her a ring or text to talk to her, but talk to Dai too, which i do if i need to. she is pleased with me - kinda - n happy for me that the haloperidol is working n hardly had any voices since taking it :)
Today i would have been 12 weeks if i still carried my angel baby... time to relax a little as gotten through first trimester, time for scan n hearing the heartbeat... instead i feel empty, numb. Hearing happy girls on the bus talking bout the good things bout being pregnant, fearing the birth, when their due date is etc, seeing happy health babies on the bus n in town, kills me. Why cant i still have my angel bean? what bout my previous angel baby i lost 21/12/12 - due date 15/7/13 ;( Part of life, i guess. My time will come i know that, just seems a long way off right now u know....
Well, wen i saw the obs n gynae consultant, she had said that all my bloodwork n anatomy was fine. Couldn't explain my recurrent miscarriages, except an issue with me being overweight n was confident i will carry to term next time IF i lost the weight. Had my weight checked today. taking orlistat slimming tabs from doc, which u take 3/day combined with a low fat intake. Lost 5kg (11lb ish) in the last 2 weeks - since weighed in boots :) happy bunnie! heading in the right direction...
Physically, i have finally gotten rid of my chest infection, though still odd cough but hey ho. managed to drop from 30-25mg daily pred for a week, before dropping to 22.5mg for 2 weeks then 20mg for 4 weeks... Luckily, i have got the 'fit' doctor next thursday, as i had yet another fit last night (first in 4 weeks) where i became incontinent n bit inside of cheek, though i dont remember doing it.. Hopefully they will have answers for me n put me on the right meds to keep me in check, here's hoping anyways...
Mentally - seen my cpn on friday, which i wrote about previously, n haven't gotta see her unless i feel i need to. she said whenever i feel down etc, to give her a ring or text to talk to her, but talk to Dai too, which i do if i need to. she is pleased with me - kinda - n happy for me that the haloperidol is working n hardly had any voices since taking it :)
Monday 1 July 2013
thoughts
What a week...
Course going well n its the last week this week, then i start my other course - Stress Control - on friday the 5th july.
Healthwise, no fits for over 4 weeks, but ended up in costa last mon - tues pm coz of blooming lungs!! grrr was so glad to get back home to see Dai n have cwtches :)
but... weds had rebound attack but luckily only few hours spent in A + E this time! came home to find Dai cooking for us :) still coughing wee bit coz of bloody infection again though finished my antibiotics :)
Got GP tomorrow morning to reweigh me coz of the wt loss tabs she gimmee to take combined with eating low fat food 3/day. last weight check had lost 6.5lb - 2 weeks ago :D
Got neuro cons 11/7/13 bout the fits
Psych wise? dunno where to start :( had a really bad few days last week coz of anniversaries of diff things n what i have been through recently :( thinking bout my miscarriage mostly - 17 days ago now ;( n saturday was another anniversary - 2 years since i had a cardiac arrest, i was dead for 2 mins in the ambulance, in front of my sister. Dont wish anything like that on anyone. Between that, being intubated, various miscarriages n some other things that have happened which i would rather not talk bout, the psychologist says i have PTSD, along with severe clinical depression, schizophrenia n self harming. although, tomorrow be 9 months since i last cut or burnt myself (oct 2. 2012). Spent 2 weeks in Cefn Coed n Ward F at local hosp in july last year, was fucking hard, but i had to do it. So glad i had dai to help me through things :)
seen my CPN fri for a catch up n she gonna chase up day services for me to see what other courses i can do to keep busy. Also she says to ring or text her anytime i am feeling really down or wanna chat but talk to Dai as well. said it works 2 ways between me n Dai: i speak to him, he speaks to me when feeling the same. I can just go to meet up with her whenever needed :)
its just sometimes things get toooooooo much, u know especially lately :(
Course going well n its the last week this week, then i start my other course - Stress Control - on friday the 5th july.
Healthwise, no fits for over 4 weeks, but ended up in costa last mon - tues pm coz of blooming lungs!! grrr was so glad to get back home to see Dai n have cwtches :)
but... weds had rebound attack but luckily only few hours spent in A + E this time! came home to find Dai cooking for us :) still coughing wee bit coz of bloody infection again though finished my antibiotics :)
Got GP tomorrow morning to reweigh me coz of the wt loss tabs she gimmee to take combined with eating low fat food 3/day. last weight check had lost 6.5lb - 2 weeks ago :D
Got neuro cons 11/7/13 bout the fits
Psych wise? dunno where to start :( had a really bad few days last week coz of anniversaries of diff things n what i have been through recently :( thinking bout my miscarriage mostly - 17 days ago now ;( n saturday was another anniversary - 2 years since i had a cardiac arrest, i was dead for 2 mins in the ambulance, in front of my sister. Dont wish anything like that on anyone. Between that, being intubated, various miscarriages n some other things that have happened which i would rather not talk bout, the psychologist says i have PTSD, along with severe clinical depression, schizophrenia n self harming. although, tomorrow be 9 months since i last cut or burnt myself (oct 2. 2012). Spent 2 weeks in Cefn Coed n Ward F at local hosp in july last year, was fucking hard, but i had to do it. So glad i had dai to help me through things :)
seen my CPN fri for a catch up n she gonna chase up day services for me to see what other courses i can do to keep busy. Also she says to ring or text her anytime i am feeling really down or wanna chat but talk to Dai as well. said it works 2 ways between me n Dai: i speak to him, he speaks to me when feeling the same. I can just go to meet up with her whenever needed :)
its just sometimes things get toooooooo much, u know especially lately :(
Sunday 23 June 2013
nice times for a change!
After having awful night on weds night coz of grumpy airbags, thursday was a busy day; dai needing blood done, then having my tattoo to remember my angelbabies by,
then had to go on my course week 4, which i actually enjoyed this time! i have 2 weeks left before i finish and gain a NVQ Management of Longterm Conditions :)
Friday my parents and nan were going for a meal in the newly opened Copper Penny, so me n hubby joined them, to help take my mind off things. was 6 months to the day that we buried my Aunty n i miscarried my previous baby at 10 weeks 6 days - the furthest i had carried, n also was a week since i miscarried this baby at 9 weeks 3 days. We had a 3 course meal n it was lovely, though a bit pricey. Nan got drunk hehe
Went down to visit dai's uncle n aunt yesterday, was a nice catch up :)
All throughout the last few days, the voices reamined silent, but still feeling low n chest okayish now, just coughing a bit more than usual.. heading for another attack and/or infection i think :| fingers crossed though, hey?!
Got hospital appt tomorrow morning to see bout these fits i been having, then got my CPN on tuesday morning, keep u posted
chow for now ;) xxx
then had to go to week 4 of my course.
The course went well and i actually enjoyed it for a change?! only 2 weeks of it left n i g
then had to go on my course week 4, which i actually enjoyed this time! i have 2 weeks left before i finish and gain a NVQ Management of Longterm Conditions :)
Friday my parents and nan were going for a meal in the newly opened Copper Penny, so me n hubby joined them, to help take my mind off things. was 6 months to the day that we buried my Aunty n i miscarried my previous baby at 10 weeks 6 days - the furthest i had carried, n also was a week since i miscarried this baby at 9 weeks 3 days. We had a 3 course meal n it was lovely, though a bit pricey. Nan got drunk hehe
Went down to visit dai's uncle n aunt yesterday, was a nice catch up :)
All throughout the last few days, the voices reamined silent, but still feeling low n chest okayish now, just coughing a bit more than usual.. heading for another attack and/or infection i think :| fingers crossed though, hey?!
Got hospital appt tomorrow morning to see bout these fits i been having, then got my CPN on tuesday morning, keep u posted
chow for now ;) xxx
then had to go to week 4 of my course.
The course went well and i actually enjoyed it for a change?! only 2 weeks of it left n i g
Friday 21 June 2013
another attack
Weds night 11.30pm:
chest wheezy n tight n coughing up half a lung. bloody asthma attack. took 10 puffs inh n 2 atrovent - no effect. waited 10 mins then nebbed salb x 2 and 1 x atrovent nebs. worked for a bit but boy had i forgotten what an attack feels like - tiring, smoothering, suffocating... kept doing inh x 10 puff every half hour till 1.30am when my chest finally eased enough for me to sleep, but so i didnt keep Dai awake i slept out in the living room - much cooler too ;)
woke again for inh at 5 n then AGAIN at 7 then up at 9.30am - busy day ahead :/ dai needed to have his monthly bloods done for his meds, then back for hr kip before going for my new tattoo then my Health n Wellbeing course. phew!! i managed with lots inh but God knows how?! now a migraine - ffs!!
Came back home by 5.30 for food n chillout watching TV, felling really down n sorry for myself. Week ago yesterday i had booked in with my midwife n had a scan - what a difference a week makes?? Week ago today they confirmed i was mummy to another angel baby ;( making it 9 angel babies now. Had a tattoo on my right shoulder to remember the babies i had lost - baby pink bow with baby blue footprints above n below it. Wanted to do something to remember them by so thought a tattoo would be perfect.
Talk to people on 'miscarriage n pregnancy loss' fb page as well as blog on here. Really helps, though noone knows what its really like to lose a child(ren) until they been through it themselves; they can only imagine the hurt, pain, depression n overall loss that we go through. They say time is a great healer, though u never get over the loss, they become easier to cope with. Yet, the more i lose the worse i feel after n this time i feel like my whole world has falled apart n completely devastated
until next time, hugs n keep safe xxx
chest wheezy n tight n coughing up half a lung. bloody asthma attack. took 10 puffs inh n 2 atrovent - no effect. waited 10 mins then nebbed salb x 2 and 1 x atrovent nebs. worked for a bit but boy had i forgotten what an attack feels like - tiring, smoothering, suffocating... kept doing inh x 10 puff every half hour till 1.30am when my chest finally eased enough for me to sleep, but so i didnt keep Dai awake i slept out in the living room - much cooler too ;)
woke again for inh at 5 n then AGAIN at 7 then up at 9.30am - busy day ahead :/ dai needed to have his monthly bloods done for his meds, then back for hr kip before going for my new tattoo then my Health n Wellbeing course. phew!! i managed with lots inh but God knows how?! now a migraine - ffs!!
Came back home by 5.30 for food n chillout watching TV, felling really down n sorry for myself. Week ago yesterday i had booked in with my midwife n had a scan - what a difference a week makes?? Week ago today they confirmed i was mummy to another angel baby ;( making it 9 angel babies now. Had a tattoo on my right shoulder to remember the babies i had lost - baby pink bow with baby blue footprints above n below it. Wanted to do something to remember them by so thought a tattoo would be perfect.
Talk to people on 'miscarriage n pregnancy loss' fb page as well as blog on here. Really helps, though noone knows what its really like to lose a child(ren) until they been through it themselves; they can only imagine the hurt, pain, depression n overall loss that we go through. They say time is a great healer, though u never get over the loss, they become easier to cope with. Yet, the more i lose the worse i feel after n this time i feel like my whole world has falled apart n completely devastated
until next time, hugs n keep safe xxx
Saturday 15 June 2013
bad times... y me again??
Started bleeding overnight on Thursday/Friday... along with pain in left side of tummy n across lower n middle of my back, i knew i was miscarrying again. 9 weeks n 3 days yesterday. I rung my midwife who said to attend A + E, which i did. they tested my bloods - all normal. urine pregnancy test negative ;( no sign of infection either. i was right, my lil bean had gone ;( it feels like my heart has been ripped out of my chest n my world collapsing around me :(
This was my 8th pregnancy now, with all previous pregnancies being miscarried :( what am i doing wrong? have i worn the wrong clothes? taking too many meds? jinxing myself?? all i know is that it's happened again n i feel like a failure. that's all i want is to be called mummy - is that too much to ask?
When i attended clinic bout all this, she was very patronising n said it was all because of my weight :( practically my weight is killing the babies - that's how i understood what she said.
I left A + E n went home in a daze, crying. i later went down to outta hours for strong pain meds. I have been in continuous agony in my back more than anywhere else, but it doesnt seem to want to go away.
Throughout all this, my voices were raging, chanting at me - FAILURE, PATHETIC, USELESS WOMAN along with U DONT DESERVE CHILDREN - ringing in my ears. i tried my best to block everything out.
Once home from outta hours, I took my night time meds along with more pain relief n went to bed. Just wanted to curl up into a ball and sleep n not wake up n today is no different. Still got the pain though the bleeding has eased, but still feel really down n upset, numb, empty, useless. just wanna go back to sleep.
Everywhere i look there are babies, young children or pregnant women - it's killing me ;(
This was my 8th pregnancy now, with all previous pregnancies being miscarried :( what am i doing wrong? have i worn the wrong clothes? taking too many meds? jinxing myself?? all i know is that it's happened again n i feel like a failure. that's all i want is to be called mummy - is that too much to ask?
When i attended clinic bout all this, she was very patronising n said it was all because of my weight :( practically my weight is killing the babies - that's how i understood what she said.
I left A + E n went home in a daze, crying. i later went down to outta hours for strong pain meds. I have been in continuous agony in my back more than anywhere else, but it doesnt seem to want to go away.
Throughout all this, my voices were raging, chanting at me - FAILURE, PATHETIC, USELESS WOMAN along with U DONT DESERVE CHILDREN - ringing in my ears. i tried my best to block everything out.
Once home from outta hours, I took my night time meds along with more pain relief n went to bed. Just wanted to curl up into a ball and sleep n not wake up n today is no different. Still got the pain though the bleeding has eased, but still feel really down n upset, numb, empty, useless. just wanna go back to sleep.
Everywhere i look there are babies, young children or pregnant women - it's killing me ;(
Tuesday 11 June 2013
mixed emotions
I was due to have my resp cons on june 21st, however the letter i received yesterday cancels this appt. it was written by my cons herself, stating that at the time of my next appt she is on annual leave?! surely reception knew that before booking the appt for me... but then again it is the NHS after all. so now have to wait for new appt to arrive in 'due course' and carry on with my pred reducing regime, which is not going very well. spent 2 days on 17.5mg but cudnt manage so back on 20mg :( will i ever be off this stuff?? hmmm... maybe not :(
Also, it seems i have had my dates wrong - I will be 9 weeks pregnant on thursday, when i see the midwife at 2.15pm and hoping scan next week so i can see my lil bean ;) due 20/1/14. i been craving ice cream n cheese (not together!) n heave at sight or even thought of eggs - YUK!! I am forever feeling tired n lethargic grrr. Voices have subsided the last few days thankfully, but this change in weather not exactly helping my chest n as such been bit more breathless n tighter than usual :(
As i may have told u, i shaved my hair off on 25/5/13 to raise awareness of asthma n do fundraising for AUK :) So far sent them a postal order for £23 n got more money waiting for n even raised £15 on my online fundraising page on www.just-giving.com (search michelle bradley)
Got Dai's cousin's funeral tomorrow :( she was 41. soo young. she leaves behind her husband n 2 children, who they have said are coping extremely well, considering... hope she has the good send off that she deserves.
Let u know at weekend how everything goes :) hugs xxx
Also, it seems i have had my dates wrong - I will be 9 weeks pregnant on thursday, when i see the midwife at 2.15pm and hoping scan next week so i can see my lil bean ;) due 20/1/14. i been craving ice cream n cheese (not together!) n heave at sight or even thought of eggs - YUK!! I am forever feeling tired n lethargic grrr. Voices have subsided the last few days thankfully, but this change in weather not exactly helping my chest n as such been bit more breathless n tighter than usual :(
As i may have told u, i shaved my hair off on 25/5/13 to raise awareness of asthma n do fundraising for AUK :) So far sent them a postal order for £23 n got more money waiting for n even raised £15 on my online fundraising page on www.just-giving.com (search michelle bradley)
Got Dai's cousin's funeral tomorrow :( she was 41. soo young. she leaves behind her husband n 2 children, who they have said are coping extremely well, considering... hope she has the good send off that she deserves.
Let u know at weekend how everything goes :) hugs xxx
Saturday 8 June 2013
Another day In my life...
Well.. Another day in mika's life.
Still having fits but not for over a week now. Finally got an appt June 24th n asthma cons 21st June. I am in high demand!!
Getting used to being diabetic n diet changes, it's so hard. Grrr
On orlistat from gp help me lose weight, which I take 3 times a day with food
Migraines n joint pains continue. Apparently I maybe salicylate sensitive :| luckily painkillers work... When given time to work but pain in ankles worse
Fell Monday badly spraining my foot :( I feel like I am always complaining bout something or something wrong u know.
Good news - found out last weekend that I am pregnant!! Will be six weeks this Monday =)) but last Tuesday started bleeding a little so feared the worst. Spoken to gp who said to retest on Friday. It was positive still so I had a threatened miscarriage but it fuckinh frightened me as thi baby means the world to me and Dai u know. Seen obs n Gynae cons last Tuesday too but didn't tell her I was pregnant. She reckons I have lost all previous pregnancies coz of my weight n if I lose another 2-3 stone, she positive I be okay to carry to term with no problems... So seem like I must to be to blame ;( I was carrying them n I am too fat ;( voices n depression raging this week n head been all over the place like am on emotional roller coaster n emotionally drained N have been in bed n asleep by 9:30 tues, weds n Thursday! Managed 3 hours sleep last night then had another 2 hrs grrr
Been needing extra meds to help me n weather being so hot am needing extra inh as well, but steroid still between 20-25mg. Oh n the obs n Gynae cons said on too many meds but stopped the diuretics n increased my folic acid to 5mg coz of my weight - not like I fucking like taking my meds n their side effects meaning more meds needed!!!!
Pred causing joint probs, severe reflux n brittle bones n asthma affecting my heart as well :(
Ever since tuesday n the cons more or less blaming me coz of my weight, I been having voices raging n needed extra meds to get rid n feelingso low coz when started bleeding thought 'not again!' been okay though since yesterday :)
So. To today. Went for brekkie in town then sunbathing down dai's auntie Karen's n caught the sun - oops!! Sunburn to chest, arms, back n face :|
Don't seem to be having any morning sickness this time only norm reflux which taking meds for, as well as gaviscon! I ain't complaining though if I see, smell or cook an egg for dai to have egg sandwich then i am heaving!! Ever since last pregnancy I can't go near eggs :| weird! But one thing I have noticed is that am more tired.
Still focusing on Caitlyn rose/ faith hope for girl n Keegan John/Logan James for a boy. Keep teasing dai that I am carrying twins - wont know till scan on 24/7/13 n got midwife next Thursday at 10am. Just wanna be a mummy u know n fingers crossed everything be okay this time =)) due date - 3/2/14 that's 2 days after my birthday! Great pressie for me ini ;) though I will admit I am petrified that when I am a mum coz of all my problems - especially my asthma with it being so severe u know. Don't wish my problems on anyone, never mind my own child.
Haven't told psych yet but know what meds need to stop n be careful with. Diazepam defo no no unless absolutely needed, same with anti psychotic haloperidol, anti depressants to continue as well as other anti psychotic n sleeping tabs as the benefits outweighs the risks to me n lil bump
Maybe u all will think its too early for me to say am pregnant n I agree, but it has an impact on my physical n psych probs u know so it explains a bit as to the way I am feeling
Till next time, big hugs xxx
Still having fits but not for over a week now. Finally got an appt June 24th n asthma cons 21st June. I am in high demand!!
Getting used to being diabetic n diet changes, it's so hard. Grrr
On orlistat from gp help me lose weight, which I take 3 times a day with food
Migraines n joint pains continue. Apparently I maybe salicylate sensitive :| luckily painkillers work... When given time to work but pain in ankles worse
Fell Monday badly spraining my foot :( I feel like I am always complaining bout something or something wrong u know.
Good news - found out last weekend that I am pregnant!! Will be six weeks this Monday =)) but last Tuesday started bleeding a little so feared the worst. Spoken to gp who said to retest on Friday. It was positive still so I had a threatened miscarriage but it fuckinh frightened me as thi baby means the world to me and Dai u know. Seen obs n Gynae cons last Tuesday too but didn't tell her I was pregnant. She reckons I have lost all previous pregnancies coz of my weight n if I lose another 2-3 stone, she positive I be okay to carry to term with no problems... So seem like I must to be to blame ;( I was carrying them n I am too fat ;( voices n depression raging this week n head been all over the place like am on emotional roller coaster n emotionally drained N have been in bed n asleep by 9:30 tues, weds n Thursday! Managed 3 hours sleep last night then had another 2 hrs grrr
Been needing extra meds to help me n weather being so hot am needing extra inh as well, but steroid still between 20-25mg. Oh n the obs n Gynae cons said on too many meds but stopped the diuretics n increased my folic acid to 5mg coz of my weight - not like I fucking like taking my meds n their side effects meaning more meds needed!!!!
Pred causing joint probs, severe reflux n brittle bones n asthma affecting my heart as well :(
Ever since tuesday n the cons more or less blaming me coz of my weight, I been having voices raging n needed extra meds to get rid n feelingso low coz when started bleeding thought 'not again!' been okay though since yesterday :)
So. To today. Went for brekkie in town then sunbathing down dai's auntie Karen's n caught the sun - oops!! Sunburn to chest, arms, back n face :|
Don't seem to be having any morning sickness this time only norm reflux which taking meds for, as well as gaviscon! I ain't complaining though if I see, smell or cook an egg for dai to have egg sandwich then i am heaving!! Ever since last pregnancy I can't go near eggs :| weird! But one thing I have noticed is that am more tired.
Still focusing on Caitlyn rose/ faith hope for girl n Keegan John/Logan James for a boy. Keep teasing dai that I am carrying twins - wont know till scan on 24/7/13 n got midwife next Thursday at 10am. Just wanna be a mummy u know n fingers crossed everything be okay this time =)) due date - 3/2/14 that's 2 days after my birthday! Great pressie for me ini ;) though I will admit I am petrified that when I am a mum coz of all my problems - especially my asthma with it being so severe u know. Don't wish my problems on anyone, never mind my own child.
Haven't told psych yet but know what meds need to stop n be careful with. Diazepam defo no no unless absolutely needed, same with anti psychotic haloperidol, anti depressants to continue as well as other anti psychotic n sleeping tabs as the benefits outweighs the risks to me n lil bump
Maybe u all will think its too early for me to say am pregnant n I agree, but it has an impact on my physical n psych probs u know so it explains a bit as to the way I am feeling
Till next time, big hugs xxx
Monday 27 May 2013
and so it continues...
well, just seen my blogs n noticed i havent written one since aug 24th 2011 - sorry!
so much has happened so i apologise for ranting on!
new flat in london didnt go well. day after moving things in, i end up in my local hospital back home in south wales for 3 months!!!! ... then a 2 weeks stay in the RBH. that was horrid. they practically said it was mostly in my head n every doctor, except the consultant was patronising. was dignosed asthma, dysfunctional
breathing n severe reflux. felt a fake ;( came home dec 9th 2011. felt so low, but on the upside i had started talking to a friend who i have known for 18 years (16 at the time!) and he even proposed n i said yes =))
spent xmas at home recovering after being back in costa yet again. i had no life, was either costa or bed recovering ;( still feeling really low, but taking increased dose of citalopram antidepressant, on 27th dec 2011 i took massive overdose - full bottle codeine, 28 diazepam and 28 codeine. dai came to visit me in A + E where i seen psych and was kept in. day later i moved in with dai.
between the 28th dec when i moved in and june last year, i continued to go like a yoyo back n forth to costa n felt like Dai could do better than me ;( but he insisted he loved me n would stand by no matter what.
my health stayed up n down all last year n i spent 6 months total in hospital. seen resp physio for my supposed dysfunction breathing n she said i didnt have it according to the tests, was my severe asthma n hard to control coz of the reflux etc. put on prophylactic azithromycin abx 3/week to see if that would help, as well as 3 diff reflux meds with prn gaviscon.
money was hard at first as still on SSP till jan last year, then put on ESA and i applied for DLA, which i had.
we moved into our new home may 24th. was very stressful. u guessed it, i ended up back in costa, coz of the dust n stress of moving ;( been here just over a year now. suffered 5 miscarriages between jan- dec 21st 2012. the last of which i was 11 weeks ;(
my psych health not good at all. from june 29 - oct 2 2012 i was taking overdoses and cutting n burning my self in acts of self harm. i was put into cefn coed in swansea (psych unit) for treatment n observation n diagnosed - severe clinical depression, PTSD and scizophrenia coz of the voices. after being there 5 days i was trasferred to my local psych unit for 5 days also.
on oct 2nd dai told me if i ever did anything again he wouold leave me ;( both me and my CPN have since told him, i will have these diagnoses for a while yet n will self harm again. i did, i overdosed again before christmas, but he didnt leave me thankfully =)) he has stood by me through thick n thin i love him and thank him for being him every single day. i am still under psych n have a CPN Julie who is fab. i have since been taken off diazepam n now on 2 x antipsychotics, sleeping tablet and 2 anti depressants as they felt that 1 wasnt controlling me enough. put on the second antipsychotic last week.
started having fits since oct, been diagnosed epileptic as well as having high fasting blood sugars n diagnosed diet controlled NIDDM (diabetic) last tuesday. been on slimming tabs for 2 months n due to be weighed tomorrow n have another script from GP. at last weigh in i had lost 7kg in a month!!
it seems i am falling apart coz of this horrible disease and its required meds. pred wise i was down to 20mg for first time in 4 years, lasted week before needing go back 25mg again coz of yet anopther chest infection. seems i have one every 2-3 weeks.
feel like such a failure as cant manage on my own sometimes needing costa and that cant manage on a low dose. fucking lungs, fucking body ;( seen ENT n the reflux has burnt the back of my throat. did have a cyst on my vocal cord but this has since gone - thankfully
my ankles hurt, my lower back and my left knee sometimes gives way. what gonna happen next??
oh n by the way i got married to dai 9/3/13 =) was the only day in march that it didnt rain! n we trying for family now to add to dai's 3 children from previously - Dylan, megan and tegan.
boys: thinking logan james/ keegan john
girls: kaitlyn rose/ faith hope
what u all think of the names then?
xxxx
so much has happened so i apologise for ranting on!
new flat in london didnt go well. day after moving things in, i end up in my local hospital back home in south wales for 3 months!!!! ... then a 2 weeks stay in the RBH. that was horrid. they practically said it was mostly in my head n every doctor, except the consultant was patronising. was dignosed asthma, dysfunctional
breathing n severe reflux. felt a fake ;( came home dec 9th 2011. felt so low, but on the upside i had started talking to a friend who i have known for 18 years (16 at the time!) and he even proposed n i said yes =))
spent xmas at home recovering after being back in costa yet again. i had no life, was either costa or bed recovering ;( still feeling really low, but taking increased dose of citalopram antidepressant, on 27th dec 2011 i took massive overdose - full bottle codeine, 28 diazepam and 28 codeine. dai came to visit me in A + E where i seen psych and was kept in. day later i moved in with dai.
between the 28th dec when i moved in and june last year, i continued to go like a yoyo back n forth to costa n felt like Dai could do better than me ;( but he insisted he loved me n would stand by no matter what.
my health stayed up n down all last year n i spent 6 months total in hospital. seen resp physio for my supposed dysfunction breathing n she said i didnt have it according to the tests, was my severe asthma n hard to control coz of the reflux etc. put on prophylactic azithromycin abx 3/week to see if that would help, as well as 3 diff reflux meds with prn gaviscon.
money was hard at first as still on SSP till jan last year, then put on ESA and i applied for DLA, which i had.
we moved into our new home may 24th. was very stressful. u guessed it, i ended up back in costa, coz of the dust n stress of moving ;( been here just over a year now. suffered 5 miscarriages between jan- dec 21st 2012. the last of which i was 11 weeks ;(
my psych health not good at all. from june 29 - oct 2 2012 i was taking overdoses and cutting n burning my self in acts of self harm. i was put into cefn coed in swansea (psych unit) for treatment n observation n diagnosed - severe clinical depression, PTSD and scizophrenia coz of the voices. after being there 5 days i was trasferred to my local psych unit for 5 days also.
on oct 2nd dai told me if i ever did anything again he wouold leave me ;( both me and my CPN have since told him, i will have these diagnoses for a while yet n will self harm again. i did, i overdosed again before christmas, but he didnt leave me thankfully =)) he has stood by me through thick n thin i love him and thank him for being him every single day. i am still under psych n have a CPN Julie who is fab. i have since been taken off diazepam n now on 2 x antipsychotics, sleeping tablet and 2 anti depressants as they felt that 1 wasnt controlling me enough. put on the second antipsychotic last week.
started having fits since oct, been diagnosed epileptic as well as having high fasting blood sugars n diagnosed diet controlled NIDDM (diabetic) last tuesday. been on slimming tabs for 2 months n due to be weighed tomorrow n have another script from GP. at last weigh in i had lost 7kg in a month!!
it seems i am falling apart coz of this horrible disease and its required meds. pred wise i was down to 20mg for first time in 4 years, lasted week before needing go back 25mg again coz of yet anopther chest infection. seems i have one every 2-3 weeks.
feel like such a failure as cant manage on my own sometimes needing costa and that cant manage on a low dose. fucking lungs, fucking body ;( seen ENT n the reflux has burnt the back of my throat. did have a cyst on my vocal cord but this has since gone - thankfully
my ankles hurt, my lower back and my left knee sometimes gives way. what gonna happen next??
oh n by the way i got married to dai 9/3/13 =) was the only day in march that it didnt rain! n we trying for family now to add to dai's 3 children from previously - Dylan, megan and tegan.
boys: thinking logan james/ keegan john
girls: kaitlyn rose/ faith hope
what u all think of the names then?
xxxx
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